***The Storyteller***

There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.

- Leonard Cohen

08:15 a.m.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.

- Pablo Picasso

10:30 a.m.
Monday, August 18, 2003

The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reasons for remaining ashore.

- Vincent Van Gogh

08:00 a.m.
Monday, August 11, 2003

The most called-upon prerequisite of a friend is an accessible ear.

- Maya Angelou

8:45 a.m.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003

If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.

- Katherine Hepburn

04:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Life is not measured by how many breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

- Unknown

11:15 a.m.
Monday, July 28, 2003

In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.

- Coco Chanel

03:00 p.m.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003

The Best Insult Ever:

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

- Edward Flaherty

04:00 p.m.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003

To be loved, be lovable.

- Ovid

06:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 17, 2003

Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

- Anonymous

12:45 p.m.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

- George Bernard Shaw

07:45 a.m.
Monday, July 14, 2003

Oh man! There is no planet sun or star could hold you, if you but knew what you are.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

12:15 p.m.
Friday, July 11, 2003

Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.

- Erich Fromm

07:30 a.m.
Thursday, July 10, 2003

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.

- Helen Keller

10:45 a.m.
Tuesday, July 8, 2003

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

- Benjamin Franklin

12:45 p.m.
Friday, June 27, 2003

An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.

- Elbert Hubbard

10:45 a.m.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine.

- Buddha

06:45 p.m.
Monday, June 16, 2003

If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.

- Anonymous

03:45 p.m.
Monday, June 2, 2003

The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.

- Emily Dickinson

07:15 p.m.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003

I want to sing like the birds sing not worrying about who hears or what they think.

- Rumi

06:00 p.m.
Monday, May 19, 2003

It's Peanut Butta Jelle Time ...

03:15 p.m.
Thursday, May 15, 2003

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.

- Dr. Seuss

06:45 p.m.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.

- T.S. Eliot

03:45 p.m.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.

- Louisa May Alcott

01:30 p.m.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, 'I'm with you kid. Let's go.'

- Maya Angelou

07:15 p.m.
Friday, April 4, 2003

As expected today on NPR, Poet Laureate Billy Collins recited his own words against the war in Iraq. But then he said something that resonated further than his own protests. Something that applies to everyone and everything, no matter your views on the conflict.

"It's a good time to keep a poem in your pocket."

Well put Billy. You're gosh darn right it is...

08:00 a.m.
Tuesday, April 1, 2003

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.

- Helen Keller

06:45 p.m.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003

When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank God I am alive.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

02:30 p.m.
Thursday, March 20, 2003

I am happy and content because I think I am.

- Alain-Rene Lesage

02:00 p.m.
Monday, March 17, 2003

It's a rainy day in Los Angeles...

...and I have it aaalllllll to myself!

08:15 a.m.
Saturday, March 15, 2003

Perfection has one grave defect; it is apt to be dull.

- Somerset Maugham

07:00 p.m.
Monday, March 10, 2003

It's not the honors and not the titles and not the power that is of ultimate importance. It's what resides inside.

- Fred Rogers

06:15 p.m.
Friday, February 28, 2003

Today's Virgo Horoscope

Things were hard, but they're getting easier again. You have the permission of the Stars to relax and breathe deeply. Call it a lucky guess or a solid understanding of the cycle, but you actually anticipated this break in the action. And speaking of things that break in the nick of time, you're finally seeing daylight through the barrier that blocked your way. Such obstacles are no match for your steady, tireless work. Maybe now the people on the other side will see you for who you really are. Your healthy glow is already attracting someone who wants to get next to you.

12:00 p.m.
Thursday, February 27, 2003

What kind of a world do we live in when there is no more Mr. Rogers?

11:45 a.m.
Thursday, February 27, 2003

Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.

- Corita Kent

10:00 a.m.
Thursday, February 27, 2003

You miss 100 percent of all the shots you never take.

- Wayne Gretzky

06:45 p.m.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003

The heart, like the grape, is prone to delivering its harvest in the same moment it appears to be crushed.

- Roger Houseden

08:00 p.m.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

- Willa Cather

08:00 a.m.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Oh Universe...?

Yes, dear?

Just wanted to make sure you saw me smiling...

But of course...we are smiling too. After all, it's not every day that we make miracles.

6:30 p.m.
Friday, February 14, 2003

Wanna hear something funny...?

Today's Virgo Horoscope
February 14, 2003

Every once in a while, you just have to have faith that everything will turn out for the best. Just for now, try to follow your heart without asking whether or not it's okay to do so. If friends or family members wonder at your sudden change of behavior, you can always explain yourself to them later. The Stars bring you closer to your goal than you've been for a long time. There's no need to second-guess yourself. Your plan is almost foolproof.

Vibrant Virgo is feeling energized by the power of other people. Make the most of this social spirit by connecting some of your online friends in real-time. You may find some surprising new outlets for their thoughts and dreams.

Uh huh...

10:00 a.m.
Friday, February 14, 2003

How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world.

- William Shakespeare

11:30 a.m.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003

According to a recent article in Boston Magazine, did you know that the average American has sex approximately 124 times per year?

I have never been so far below average in anything in my entire life.

07:45 p.m.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003

Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.

- †Emily Dickinson

11:15 a.m.
Sunday, February 9, 2003

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

- Dennis Wholey

10:00 a.m.
Friday, February 7, 2003

The More Loving One

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

- W. H. Auden

02:30 p.m.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...


11:15 a.m.
Monday, January 27, 2003


My mantra is in my medicine cabinet.

When I open the foggy mirrored door each morning, reaching for my usual acoutrements, vitamins, anecdotes and the like, I am faced with the message that fortifies me for the day.

Inside the back of the glass is an embossed label for the maker of the cabinet, Jensen Manufacturing of Los Angeles. Just below this is their heralding of their star product, JENSTEEL. Its bold, raised, white letters jut out in promise of impending strength and fortification, bracing me for all that may follow. It speaks directly to me, reminding me what I'm made of...

I read and repeat it every morning, reveling in the smallest serendipity.

10:15 a.m.
Monday, January 27, 2003

Dreams are but thoughts until their effects be tried.

- William Shakespeare

10:00 a.m.
Monday, January 27, 2003


Shake me from slumber
To my waking life and dreams
Passionate and fierce

Throwing gauntlets now
My banter flows like screenplays
Shining words on screen

Dreams come true, I feel
Anything is possible
When you're paid to write!

Potential realized
Draws sexy, strange attractors
Welcome to my World

Grateful for the upswing
I dive in, getting dirty...
What else have you got?

03:00 p.m.
Friday, January 24, 2003


The flashes of otherworldliness began when I was seventeen.

That was the first time I looked outside myself and saw who I really was. I will swear emphatically that it had nothing to do with the psychedelic drugs I had just begun experimenting with in the forests of Santa Cruz.

I also could say that I really got it for the first time when I was in a life-threatening car accident a year and a half ago. It happened just three days before September 11th, and I thought the world was coming to an end. With nowhere else to go, I lifted myself up.

I get it again everytime I fall in love. Or fall out so harshly that the impact shatters every notion I previously held about life, the universe and everything. I often allow myself to reel in self-pity, at least for the moment. But itís mostly for the pleasure that comes from moving past it again.

That's when I get it most clearly. When I realize that it's all about the choices we make that defines who we are, and what this spinning blue ball has going for it in the first place.

After all, to get it again and again as if each time is the first time is the reason we are here.

11:45 a.m.
Thursday, January 23, 2003

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

- Nelson Mandela

08:45 a.m.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003

The air is filled with fragrant flowers. Winter fiercely blooms, but no one plucks them from their slumber to grace my face but me.

The warm breeze ruffles past my drapes. Winds of change envelop me warmly, but no one whispers for me to listen softly.

The moon shines with possibility. Nighttime is made for romace and chance, but mine are the only arms that wrap around and hold.

January brings new beginnings. Years are filled with promise of love, but to gain it, I am still the one that must be bold.

08:30 a.m.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

-Robin Williams

12:30 p.m.
Friday, January 17, 2003

Well...the verdict is in. Apparently, I should quit my day job. People actually think that I can write.

Imagine that...

05:45 p.m.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Self-trust is the first secret of success.

- †Ralph Waldo Emerson

03:45 a.m.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003

MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: I Think It's Time To Play Dodgeball

Courtside courting calls
This player from the sidelines
I remember this

Hippie jam session
Turns dirty; it's been too long
Since it felt so good

At all time high, relishing
Fruits of my labors

Fighting illness, I
Get in touch with those who know
How to make me whole

Honey it don't get better
Hang on for the ride

10:45 a.m.
Monday, January 13, 2003

Sometimes, when you least expect it, the Universe is listening.

That's right, honeypants...


Well, you must be, if you're attracting all these sweet, young bees...as you are.

I suppose so. I guess the best thing to do is to sit back, enjoy, and let nature take its course.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

11:00 a.m.
Sunday, January 11, 2003


There really is no feeling quite like coming back from a good bookstore. Except perhaps for the feeling of entering one. I love bookstores and don't get to spend nearly enough time in them for my liking. Curling up on a couch with a stack of adventures to be, a warm beverage, perhaps a friend to read aloud and share said adventures with...souls in search of stories. The only thing missing from this perfect picture is the fire, which will just have to come from good writing instead. Perhaps the best way to visit one is on a night not unlike tonight...when a beautiful day can turn rainy or windy on the drop of a dime, and we will escape into any far reality, doing anything to avoid weekend turning into week again.

10:15 a.m.
Sunday, January 12, 2003

Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand.

- Neil Armstrong

Yes Neil, as in space exploration and dating alike!

11:45 a.m.
Tuesday, January 7, 2003

Today, the following amazing things occured:

I completed my first feature screenplay.

I recorded my first song for my demo.

I saw a fantastic movie with people I love.

I made dates with two boys that I really like.

...so I'm taking the night off!

11:45 p.m.
Saturday, January 4, 2003

Hello page 100.


Hello Universe.


Hello...well hello.

12:30 a.m.
Friday, January 3, 2003

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

- †Lord Tennyson

10:30 a.m.
Wednesday, January 1, 2003

In Chinese Astrology, the year 2003 is the year of the Black Sheep. While the traditional definition of this is one who is unlike and/or makes trouble for the family, we all know that this is because they are often the most interesting and lively of the bunch.

Hang on for the ride.

1:00 a.m.
Monday, December 30, 2002

I know the coming year isn't going to be easy. I know that many tough lessons still lie ahead. I know that life has greater drama in store than either trauma of the last two years. I know that I am unafraid of the unknown. I know that this is enough to get me through. I know that God takes care of the rest.

For I know that the coming year will also bring unbridled joy, highest highs, incredible adventures, soulful connections, creative accomplishments, monetary feats, magical moments and the stuff that dreams are made of.

We'll see to that...

In Universe We Trust.

12:45 a.m.
Monday, December 30, 2002


Aaah, holidays. A time when people are forced to spend time with those who keep closest stock of their faults, all while stuffing their faces and making them feel guilty for not meeting "The One" and having a thousand babies yet. Doesn't it just fill your heart with joy?

It should come as no surprise then that this is the time of year that forces people to take a good look around and take clear stock of their haves and havenots, and their unfulfilled desires. This is the first year in almost four that I have been truly single for the holidays (although I might as well have been for the last two), and while it is a painfully lonely time, the introspection and alone time has been tremendously valuable. Of course, being the procrastinating and internet savvy genius that I portend to be, I have used the past seven days to sew my proverbial electronic oats and take advantage of all the lonely indie rock boys who are aching for arms of their own. There is no shame in my game, no feather in my cap and no man in my heart...yet. What crazy woman would go on six dates in seven days, you ask...and rightfully so. A woman who is in search of inspiration, of hands to hold, of laughs to enjoy, of glances to shy from, only to face them again head on, in awe of what comes next. Yes, all that, and a few laughs at other's expenses along the way. Not to mention free drinks and food.

Oh she's just being cynical to hide her pain, you might say...and you'd be right. Who doesn't want someone near and dear to them, to wish them "Merry Christmas" even though they've never celebrated it, to kiss them "Happy New Year" even though it is perhaps the most overrated disappointment of the calendar year save for Valentine's Day. Of course I want all these things and more, and in my finding of them, I will gladly give of the brave and strong, wise and forthcoming, oversexed and undernourished woman I have grown to be. But in the meantime, I think that I have the right to be skeptical until proven a believer.

Date # 1 was pleasant enough, with its talk of politics, of kibbutzim and good music. But what stung was the fact that during the date, I had mentioned how much it irked me when dates would say "I'll call you," (often while making a gesture of "shooting" for some unexplained reason) and then didn't. Why not avoid the gunfire, be honest and say "good luck with that thing"...or "nice meeting you (dipshit)"...or "have a nice life?" No sooner does Date #1 walk me back to my place then he fires his proverbial gun saying he'll call. I ducked and dodged the bullet. He won't call and I don't care. There were six other chances for chemistry, and I'll be damned if the professor had the week off.

Date #2 was one of the most interesting, and this will be put to task tonight when I see him again. What's this, you ask...and rightfully so. Descriminate dating dame has agreed to see more of one such suitor? Why yes. But not necessarily because of firework sparks either. This one was super-smart, funny, eloquent (but not above making bad puns), considerate, cute (with potential to become hot), a good listener and conversationalist. We closed down the bar and both knew we'd soon see each other again. I'll keep you posted.

Date # 3 was almost a bit too intense for me at first. We had a great repoire over the phone, which surely translated to our in-person talk. He kept making physical contact but never uncomfortably so. He looked like a J. Crew model...almost to the point that I couldn't believe he was as smart as he was or as interested in me as he seemed to be. We also closed down the bar (they must think that I am a hooker there by now), and I got a peck on the half-cheek/half-lip goodnight. I think he was aiming for the lips, so I felt a little like I had let him down. There was no talk of when we'd see each other again, so I waited three days and not having heard from him, called him to thank him. He called me the next day to tell me that he was thrilled that I called and looks forward to our next encounter. Maybe that helped to calm the intensity. When chemistry is there, the rest is in the details.

Date #4 was perhaps the best looking but definitely the most boring out of everyone. I agreed to meet him after I left him hanging. We were all set to meet a few days before, but his passive agressive emails got on my nerves. I simply didn't respond. He kept emailing me, apologizing, begging to meet me, so I finally agreed. More out of pity than curiosity. I had him meet me right across the street from my manicurist, so that it could be as easy and convenient for me as possible. I could barely stomach finishing my (free) capuccino before getting up in a hurry. Someone who is that uncreative, unfunny, uninterested and uninteresting doesn't deserve to date. God forbid they should reproduce.

Date #5 was very good-looking, smart and intense, and perhaps we had the most in common of anyone. He also grew up in L.A., went to private school and ran in the same bar mitzvah circut as I did. While we had witty banter and a lot to talk about, I couldn't quite put my finger on him. Our drinks were interrupted early on by a flaming friend of mine, who was there to meet a date. I did my best to keep the introduction simple, as that this friend is prone to gossip, and I don't need anything to stop before it starts from anything other than my own bumbling accord. The Date and I kept right on drinking, and while he said he'd be in touch, I have my doubts. Sometimes, when people meet someone who is so similar to themselves it is hard to take it easy. You just see the intensity and the long-term, which is scary. I don't want to be afraid of my own shadow - I like to linger somewhere between the carefree and the committed. He did inspire me to stop procrastinating and get back on the blog, and for that I am grateful.

Date #6 was easy to talk to, even simple in his forthcoming attitude and very cute, but I just wasn't feeling it. He enlightened me to the fact that JDate was free and having been freed from the scrutiny of the watchful eye of a guy that I used to date who was recently fired from their auspices, I promptly ran home and signed up. See that? Inspiration where you least expect it. He half-joked too that he knew he'd see me on there tomorrow, but didn't seem to mind. He was the most honest date of them all, and somehow that made him more alluring. I was over it though. We smiled and hugged goodbye, fairly confident (at least I was) that I wouldn't see him again.

I came home to find that I had plans with not one but two of the dates for the weekend. While I don't forsee any marriage proposals or long-term (read more than 5 dates) love here, it is nice to know that I can put my mind to something and attack with full force to get what I want. It doesn't matter how they turn out, because I am learning about me in the process.

Besides, Beck is supposed to be at the New Year's party I'm attending, and a girl's got to save her strength.

11:00 a.m.
Saturday, December 28, 2002

As 2002 dances to a close...

All I can do is hold my breath and nose...

11:45 p.m.
Thursday, December 26, 2002

It's easier to write songs when you're single.

-Lucinda Williams

04:30 p.m.
Thursday, December 19, 2002

Who am I to turn down offers of Sex and the City?

A good, decent, honorable and moral person...that's who.

Oh yeah. Thanks Universe. That really helps make me feel better.

Enough with that sarcasm. It's not just Santa that rewards people for not being naughty...

Good to know. I expect to be hearing from you soon.

Word is bond.

Peace out, homey.

04:00 p.m.
Wednesday, December 18, 2002

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

- Erica Jong

09:15 a.m.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002


I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. I had to have it. I had to make it mine.

In fact, I was so in love with the idea of the dress, from its netted hem, ribbon waist, slight sweetheart strapless neckline and silken black cross hatched design, that I failed to realize that it was perhaps the exact opposite of the design that would most flatter me.

For someone who prides herself on her keen sense of intuition, I had neglected to see beneath the surface of even something so superficial.

I realized this on a whim, at 11:30 at night, less than 20 hours before my companywide holiday party. I tried on this would-be love of my life, and to my horror, found that while I had tried it on in the store and felt good about it, now it was fighting me at every turn and curve. How dare this dress betray me, when I had worked so hard to research it, fall for it, secure it for myself and find all the appropriate acoutrements to help us look so great together.

I didn't know where to begin. I called the store, hysterically upset, having remembered that I tried on another dress there that, while not nearly as hip, slick or cool (as my mom likes to say), flattered me beautifully. Through my tears, I asked them to please reserve it under my name, despite my ambivalence about moving on.

I mean, it's a fucking dress. A one-night-only, here-today gone-tomorrow, meets-your-needs-so-then-you-no-longer-need-it, piece of expensive fabric that if you're lucky, is torn from your body in a moment of post-celebratory passion regardless of what it looks like. But in the course of the past few weeks, it came to mean so much more than that. It was to be a badge of honor to wear. A chance to show everyone the feminine beauty behind the glasses and stacks of scripts. An anecdote to so many nights of feeling unpretty. The panacea for my aching heart.

That's when I realized it. This wasn't about the dress. It was about the boy.

Oh for crying out loud...

I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and put aside what I wanted to concentrate on securing what I needed.

I marched into the store at 8am the next day, embracing the task that lay before me. I took the dress out of its plastic wrap and gazed longingly at it. We could maybe make it work. If I lost a few pounds, or got the right bra to wear underneath it...maybe down the road it would be the perfect dress for me. I would regret having returned it then... But then I stopped and listened to myself. No. I wouldn't hear of it. The same policy had to apply here as with the boy. There would be no waiting to hope that it fits, when there was another dress behind the counter, albeit not quite as enamoring, but a thousand times more flattering and special accordingly. Yes, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it.

And a thousand compliments later, I knew that I made the right decision.

I was beautiful.

12:30 p.m.
Monday, December 16, 2002


In the nick of time
Put on pretty party face
Elegant facade

Hostess can't get laid
Hiatus breeds new blood but
No one excites me

If only this bliss
Could translate after the fact
Hangover says "ouch..."

New scripts, new songs, new...
One can only hope and pray
Record rendezvous

I know he saw me...
Fall all the way down, but it's
Time to get up now

12:15 p.m.
Monday, December 16, 2002

Sometimes you get the bear...sometimes the bear gets you.

08:30 a.m.
Monday, December 16, 2002

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.

- Thich Nhat Hanh

10:00 a.m.
Friday, December 13, 2002

The question remains...how do you like them apples...?

Oh Universe...please just stop. It's bad enough that it's true.

We're just getting started. The harvest is coming a little late this year.

Thank God for something.

Thank God for everything...

01:45 p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002

Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them. When in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient, and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday.

- Courtesy of Alana D. Jacobs

01:30 p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002

I'm moving.

Whether it's on or up or out or over doesn't matter...

But I'm moving. That's all that matters.

01:15 p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002

Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

- Clementine Paddleford

11:00 a.m.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002


While the holidays represent families reunited and fantasies fulfilled for most people, for me...well, I've really never felt that I was in on the joke. Christmas was never celebrated in or near my house, and Hanukkah happenings have dwindled significantly since college came to claim our innocence. Once, an ex-boyfriend gave me a diamond promise ring on Christmas morning, and despite the dream-like occurrence of this event, its romance and flavor have been an anomaly ever since.

For me, for now, this time of year is more like a nightmare. For the past three years I have dealt with some of my young life's hardest issues over the holidays. From heartbreak, to car crashes, to medical procedures, to the fact that this is always the busiest time of year for me at work, there is nothing delightful about the coming days. Sometimes, the mere sound of Christmas Carols inspires such a fury in me that I want to purge my violent urges. But mostly, I just deal with the nightmares as they come...and boy howdy do they come.

For the past two nights in a row I have had lucid, searing, three-dimensional, sensory-pounding dreams that have woken me up in a cold sweat. Dreams where all my desires, while not met are put on full display. Amends are made not by me but to me, by those who have wronged me of late. These apologies and reconciliations have been so real, that when I awake I am shocked that reality hasn't shifted drastically in my favor.

What it means, I don't know, but this time of year seems to make wishes come true for others...

Maybe it will for me too.

10:45 a.m.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.

- e.e. cummings

03:30 p.m.
Monday, December 9, 2002

MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Take Me Out of the Oven...I'm Done

Back to beginning
Viscious cycles come to rest
Ends as it began

Aside from friends, fam
Everyone bores me to tears
Stop insanity

Fuck this quest for love
All good guys are crazy, gay
Or relationshipped

Seventy seven
Lucky numbers mean good things
Come to those who wait

Year...end already!
I'm sick of your dumb ass face
Aaah... Holiday cheer!

03:15 p.m.
Monday, December 9, 2002

Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

- Ruth E. Renkel

11:00 a.m.
Friday, December 6, 2002

Tomorrow's Virgo Horoscope

Forget about trying to pick apart proposals and edit drafts. You've got better things to think about. Concentrate on smoothing the lines off your forehead. Do it the old-fashioned way: Forget all about your worries and duties. Enjoy a power lunch in the daytime or some salsa dancing in the evening. Congratulate yourself on how fabulous you are. If you're single, post-work festivities are a good time to scope out romantic prospects.

I'll keep you posted...

04:30 p.m.
Thursday, December 5, 2002

So, they say you have to fuck a few frogs...

That is what they say, right?

06:15 p.m.
Wednesday, December 4, 2002

Iím remembering how to breathe.

Iíve been given so much strange news lately that none of it is gasp inducing anymore. After all, no news is good news, I suppose.

I am in fact more shocked at the lack of news, say, when the person you dated for a month doesnít call to see how you are doing more than a week after major surgery, than when, for instance, you are told that the fantasy man who just invited you again to New York for New Years is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of on-again-off-again six years and neither asked your permission nor informed you of his impending off-the-market status.

Just let me breathe. Iím trying to recover and restore, not rile up and run over...I mean, where do these people get off anyway? Oh yeah. With me... But only for a minute. Then they come to their senses.

When do I get to come to mine?

02:30 p.m.
Monday, December 2, 2002

So... That just happened.

02:00 p.m.
Monday, December 2, 2002

Perhaps somewhere in between a traumatic, somewhat life-threatening experience, gorging on gourmet, mending a broken body and heart, mixing pills and booze, sleeping all day, watching too much Sex and the City, relishing the reduced speed of my brain's rpm, healing like Achilles, finally starting to get over what I was lodged under, my drug-induced haze and the promise of my permission to be loopy during my recovery, I realized that I am in a particularly peculiar place in my path.

In case you couldn't tell.

02:00 a.m.
Sunday, December 1, 2002

Oy Vey...

01:45 a.m.
Sunday, December 1, 2002


04:55 p.m.
Monday, November 25, 2002

Shut the fuck up.

Calm the fuck down.

Chill the fuck out.

06:30 p.m.
Saturday, November 23, 2002

Hope is the feeling you have of the feeling you have not being permanent.

- Robert "The Kid" Evans

02:00 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002

If I were to make a list of all I want for Christmas, I'd be here until Christmas.

01:45 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002

So I made a pact with the Universe: I promised not to feel sorry for myself if it promised to make things go as smoothly as possible. What do you think?

That works for us.

I'm so glad. Thank you Universe.

It's our pleasure. You're doing great so far and you're gonna be just fine. Good doing business with ya, kid.

Well, well...look who else stays in the picture...

01:30 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002

PRE-WEEKEND UPDATE: Throwing the Gauntlet

Who's your fucking mama, page 54?

Do you ever feel like you could just cry for days?

Is it over yet?

After all this, it's just me.

Thank God for Mr. Big, my nimble fingers on the keys, Team Story, goat cheese, buddha, friends and family.

I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

01:15 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002

My best friend asked me what I thought about people who fuck their way to the top. The following was my immediate response:

The problem with this, as with all acts of carnal hedonism, is that there are no guarantees; unless you have a spoken contract that said fucking will be a direct catalyst to said employment, there is as much chance of losing face here, as when you might merrily decide to fuck a good friend and mentor that you have had a two-year-long crush on, only for the affair to blossom beautifully and experience the best said fucking of your life but then suddenly and unexpectedly have its wings miserably clipped before it can fly because of the said good friend / mentorís need to have trauma and neuroses in their life because the fucking bitch that got to him right before you and broke his heart had no concern for the fact that other women wonderful women true matches to the heart of her scorned lover may be felled to the wayside for years to come because of the psychological horrors she inflicted on his poor genius soul, who only ever really wanted the tremendous gifts that you yourself were offering in the first place just by being wonderful you, but he didnít know what a blessing it was until he bit off its head, beat it, stamped on it, smothered it and doused it with the gasoline of self doubt and misery in a very dark, lonely and vulnerable time.

Why do you ask?

12:00 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002

Time will tell.

- Bob Marley

06:00 p.m.
Thursday, November 21, 2002


The doors to the Oasis were now closed, and for all intents and purposes appeared locked forever to the uninitiated. But the High Priestess knew better. She threw back her long, honey-colored locks with a huff and a grin, as she took one long last look at the tree-top haven and galloped back towards her own hillside castle. Let the Magician take his sweet time. There were infinite adventures to discover and lessons to learn throughout the kingdom. She didn't need his blessing to go on the great journey. Besides, they were a pair. It would take more than stubborn reversals and cycles of seasons to keep them apart. She would check the doors again later. In the meantime though, there was much to be done. The High Priestess turned her attention to the task at hand, while a part of her remained forever locked inside the Oasis, and the Magician's memory.

06:45 p.m.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002


The worst hurdle in moving on has hands down been the living ghost that haunts me...in his eyes.

Save for the fact that they are blinder than mine and need similar frames, his are perfectly normal. Itís whatís in them that gets me. Soulful, pensive to the point of brooding, intelligent, warm, perceptive and chameleonic, they morph between blue and green.

I realized this while gazing into them for what felt like an eternity, that awful morning of mourning. But this was no ordinary staring contest. Lying in my bed, we noted that this may be the last time we do so. I was on top of him, the full weight of my semi-naked form covering his big bear of a body. His arms around me, squeezing me, supporting me, lifting me up. There wasn't a more comfortable place to be in the whole world. He kissed my forehead and brushed hair from my face, promising to do everything he could to make it okay. Although both of us were in pain, he seemed more hurt by mine. But then, as he checked my eyes for tears, he grabbed my face in his hands and searched it harder, as if this was it and he had to commit me to memory one last time. As if he was searching for something.

I couldnít help but stare back just as intensely. The deeper he got, the deeper I got too. In the dewy golden light of the early eastern sun, his right eye seemed slightly greener than the left, but both of them had wavy golden rings, circling their changing hues. I was hungry for answers. I wanted to follow those rings in and out of their undulation to see where they led. I did so, but now wish that I hadnít. Not because of what I saw when I looked, but what I felt. Just for a flicker of an instant, but I knew. He must have known too because of what came next.

I saw his soul. His bright white, shrouded in darkness, self-destructively passionate, searing in pain, creative despite itself, immersed in agony, hungry for a home, mired in self-doubt, brilliantly intelligent, fiercely expressive, warrior-spirited soul. And in that, I saw myself.

He must have noticed it at the exact same moment, because in an instant, he had thrown me off of him and onto the bed. He gave me a hungry but tender kiss on the lips, and lingered there. Thatís when he told me he had to go.

Thatís when I knew. It wasnít over.

But thatís also why I knew I had to move on.

After a summer of six soulmates sealing a syndrome, with not a true connection in a single one, I couldnít fathom that the one time that itís been an accurate assessment was the one time that I couldnít have it, learn it, celebrate it.

I will see myself in otherís eyes again. Maybe his, maybe not. But for now, I know that there are plenty of answers and lessons wrapped up in my own. I need to go inside myself and see what I can find.

The greatest truths of all are behind my own eyes.

07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002

We make plans and God laughs.
God makes plans and we laugh.

So who the fuck is the joke on, anyway?

It all dissolves as we solve the question of why,
We were meant to sin...and repent...and die.

02:45 p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Sometimes, you gotta get down to get up.

01:30 p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002

So you see, when people tell me that I have more important things to worry about than the pallid echoing thunder of my heart crumbling into pieces of shrapnel for the seventeenth time, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it...they're right.

Of course they are. You have incredibly important things on the horizon now. But that doesn't mean you should worry about them.

C'mon Universe...It's me you're talking to here.

Right. Lest we forget our favorite Nervous Nelly over here. It's going to be fine. We should know.

Damn straight you should! Sorry. Been trying to stop swearing... Wait, am I really your favorite?


09:45 p.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002

In a little more than a week from now, a part of me will be gone.

I will have holes where I've never had them before and be given drugs that I've never taken before. I will be pumped full of gas, cut open, stitched up and sedated. I will be forced to lie down. I will be admitted to the hospital that hasn't beared my name on it's ledgers since my birth there twenty-five years ago. I will be the most still and quiet that I've probably been since about that time too. I won't be able to eat, drink or partake of combustibles as per usual. I probably won't be able to bathe myself or go to the bathroom alone. I will have to abstain, although, that shouldn't be a problem now. I will receive calls from some, flowers from others, perhaps an email or two and a few lucky souls might be deemed worthy enough to see me and help entertain me in my shattered state. I will have to put my life in the hands of doctors that I barely even know. I will have to sign a life insurance policy waiver, even though the event of my demise is phenomenally miniscule. I will have to depend on others for my survival. I will have to trust. I will have to let go. I will have to calm the fuck down.

I will let you know how it goes.

09:30 p.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002

From the deepest desires often comes the deadliest hate.

- Socrates

12:30 p.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002

MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Connected, Rejected, Affected

My moment to connect now
I open my arms

Futon pre-party
But we miss the show for play
Smooth operator

Our sex...off tha hook
But wait, what's wrong? Stop, you just
Disconnected me

Before we can fly
He clips my wings, seeking fire
Can't communicate

Alone again, I'm
Not getting a clear line out
Sending S.O.S.

10:00 a.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002


Just when I thought I couldn't sink any farther
You want to rescue me, nah don't bother
It's the right time for a smack down when I'm let down

You ask me why I'm sad but why do you care
Don't try to cheer me please just don't go there
It's high time for a showdown on the low down

When push comes to shove you show anything but love
But when itís fun and games you always let me win
You can try to surrender but I'm not a pretender
Because outright lies just destroy what's within

And I canít afford to be let down again

Don't tell me you'll be there for me when you won't be
I can't stand that it's when I'm with you that I'm most lonely
In the night time I will throw down just to be down

I think I'll just lie down and rot awhile
Won't dare to be uplifted by your smile
It's the only time I can get down when I'm beat down

When the going gets tough you show nothing but love
But this time Iím staying in not just playing to win
As sad as Iím rendered I must return to you sender
Although I know youíll just invade me from within

Because it feels so good to be this down...again

06:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 17, 2002

It fucking figures...

04:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 17, 2002

They know just when to come out of the woodwork, don't they?

05:45 p.m.
Friday, November 15, 2002

"I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. The storybooks are bullshit. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and get in my bed!"

- Ronny Cammareri

03:00 p.m.
Friday, November 15, 2002

I am bringing a date, but this time he's party trained.

Famous last words.

06:45 p.m.
Thursday, November 14, 2002

Welcome to the world.

Why thank you...

Have you ever seen this before?

No, not at all. Never.

Well...me neither!

That's a scary thought, universe...

But kind of exciting.

All the way exciting. Thrilling. How it's supposed to be.

We know. Enjoy...

I am.

12:00 a.m.
Thursday, November 14, 2002

WORKWEEK UPDATE: I Know This Much Is True

If I keep trying to use my house key in the work restroom lock, does it mean that I really want to go home?

There are few far better things in life than the flattering feeling that comes with being drunk dialed.

06:30 p.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002

When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.

- Cynthia Heimel

010:00 a.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Today's Virgo Horoscope
November 11, 2002

You feel ready for anything. You hit the ground running, fueled by a blaze of high energy. Over the next few days, you have the power to make your life conform to your vision of how it should be. If you don't have a vision yet, start dreaming. It's never too early to start planning the rest of your life. This is the perfect time to live out your dreams. Once you take the first step, no one will be able to catch up to you.

1:00 a.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002


The Beck and Call Girl
Whatever your needs may be
Use and abuse me

I have three boyfriends
Each serves a different purpose
But none is complete

Social Butterfly
I flee the scene like murder
Flittering away

Displaced on display
Hide inside my head instead
When did all this change?

Darkest before dawn
I have yet to see the light
Can you please show me?

11:30 a.m.
Monday, November 11, 2002

I'm looking at my watch. I don't want to be here. Is that rude? I don't care. About anything. I see nothing familiar or comforting here. Nothing excites me. Get out of here. I'm lonely in a crowd of people. I am the exact opposite of me. How did this happen? I need a vacation from me. I can't stomach this trial. Pervasive darkness is invading me. I am too apathetic to stop it. What time is it? I hate this. I'm sick of being inside myself. Who are all these people? I can barely bring myself to do anything but watch the clock. I don't see the point in being nice. I have no appetite. All I can do is cry. I can't stand waiting. Do you have the time? Even my favorite sight of the wind in the trees is painful to watch. Watch the time. Ironic that now my watch is working. Where does the time go? This is awful. I am powerless against it. I am exhausted from thought. Why do these drugs make me so emotional? I can't reconcile that everything is too much and never enough. Please help me. Is it over yet? It's only been a minute. I am frustrated by my own skin. Get this foreign matter out of me. I can't wait any longer. If I can't stand to be with me, how can I think that anyone else could? I haven't felt like this in a long time. Is it time? Almost...

08:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 10, 2002


There is something so ironic about the notion of an ease of exchanges when alcohol is involved. Sure, as a consommate communicator it is both my duty and my pleasure to express myself consistently and flawlessly, as I do with gusto...even when sober. But what is it about the soaking of one's organs in viscous vodka that allows greater freedom of movement, clarity of communication and assuredness of action? To be empowered by self-destruction is an anomalie if I ever heard one, but that's just the beauty of it.

After all, a world without irony is a world without snarky commentary, witty banter, fierce exchanges, memorable dialogue and moments of truth.

Why else are we here?

11:45 a.m.
Saturday, November 9, 2002

"You met me at a very strange time in my life..."

- The Narrator
Fight Club

04:00 p.m.
Friday, November 8, 2002

This is me.

Going with the flow...

Where it goes...no one knows.

05:45 p.m.
Wednesday, November 6, 2002

But of course.

Of course. Leave it to me to finally realize, after all that...I'm with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide-the-Salami.

Hope I'm hungry...

11:30 a.m.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002

After eleven months of sure-fire abstinence, nights awake and alone, countless dates, heartfelt postings, elicit emails, substandard hook-ups, fierce flirtations, holy obsessions, destructive crushes, six soulmates sealing a syndrome, a summer of twenty-year-olds, obsessive exes, firings, counter-offers, power struggles, drunken flings, broken hearts, crying myself to sleep, dangerous liasons, cross-country manipulations, drug-addled fits of rage and lust, bar tabs, taxi cabs, broken dreams, busted seams, bruises and lacerations, therapy sessions, the first chill of winter, sahara hot nights, stoli vanil and mojitos, marriage proposals, the words I've longed to hear, the words I'll never hear, coming into my own, power suits, overdue congratulations, pain and suffering, doctor's orders, falling down, landing hard, bursting bubbles, split personalities, long time coming, unlikely chauffeurs, romance without a chance, fleeting feelings, haikus for yous, punch-drunk encounters, visions of violence, eyes made over coffee, cigarettes on balconies, lingering kisses, new year's resolutions, consolation and lamentation, the essence of my spirit, the culmination of so many wayward dreams, the new age, the way to work, sex and the city, forests of my loins, fruits of my imagination, being the boss, growing up, growing old, finding solace, feeling vindicated, meeting my match, grinding away, being inspired, writing while intoxicated, facing the facts, knowing myself, purging the urge, tasting love, feeding my soul, catching a glimpse, fading fast, walking away, standing still, still standing...

I'm still standing.

11:15 a.m.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002

"Don't condescend to me, man. I'll fuckin' kill ya, man."

- Floyd (aka Dick's Roommate)
True Romance

10:00 a.m.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002


Happy Halloween
This year, I'll go as a girl
Who finally got some

First kisses are like
Driving Mulholland at night
Please, God, make it last

High as a kite, my
Spirits soar, but I'm still sore
Waiting is so hard

It feels right to write
I know no other way to
Exorcize demons

What can I do now?
My fate's been sealed with a kiss
Hold onto the love

06:45 p.m.
Monday, November 4, 2002

Today's Virgo Horoscope
November 03, 2002

Gone are the feelings of inadequacy you've had for the last couple of days, Virgo. As the situation changes, you shake off your morbid abstraction and rejoin the world. Visits to your dark side make the return to daylight that much more relieving. There never really was a question, but you find yourself answering the group anyway. Now that you don't have to prove yourself any further, you'll have more time for what you really want to do.

Casual lovers are already making plans to meet again. Those with a real commitment will still be lying side by side when they wake up tomorrow. It's a moment of quiet triumph for those who believe in the power of love.

10:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 3, 2002

From a cause for applause,
to upholding the laws...

Only I am accountable for my own flaws.

06:45 p.m.
Friday, November 1, 2002


I'm not sure when it changed, but somewhere between being a little girl and this pseudo-grown-up that I have become, I lost my taste for candy.

Now I'd just rather have dessert.

04:00 p.m.
Thursday, October 31, 2002


Why is it sometimes so much easier to accept being wrong than being right?

Is this a test?

Is it truly possible to have it all, without fear of losing it?

Because being right is only vindicating after you've been wronged.

Of course. Everything is.

Sometimes it's embracing that fear that makes it possible to have it all in the first place.

07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002

"Don't forget about the man who suddenly got everything he ever wished for... He lived happily ever after."

- Willy Wonka
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory

07:00 p.m.
Monday, October 28, 2002


You can count on it
This time of year brings much change
Goodbyes and Hellos

These boots were made for...
Courage of my convictions
Expect nothing less

You ask me "What's Next?"
I smile, knowing answers are
Just a kiss away

Sparks in the dark, we
Bust heads, Break beds but don't sleep
Live our dreams instead

Surface bruises but
Inner wounds have healed...in fact
I'm as good as new

11:30 a.m.
Monday, October 28, 2002

F*** yeah!

8:45 a.m.
Monday, October 28, 2002

Found in Old St. Paul's Church; Dated 1692
Courtesy of A. D. Jacobs.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars; you have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations. In the noisy confusion of life, keep at peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

02:30 p.m.
Friday, October 25, 2002

"We do."


"Hey. Are you okay? You're going to be. You're going to be okay."

"I know... I know."

11:00 a.m.
Monday, October 21, 2002


Let us play hookey
Leave the VP and Story
To the underlings

With movies to see
What care I to roll calls and
Read drafts of fodder

I have the whiskey
You bring the sausage to grill
Makeshift fireplace

Drunk by lunchtime, we
Make a fort from couch pillows
Hitchcock shadowplay

Weekends last longer
With good buddies, booze and films
Monday holiday

10:00 a.m.
Monday, October 21, 2002

Oh my God.

07:30 p.m.
Monday, October 14, 2002

Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.

- Chuck Jones

06:30 p.m.
Friday, October 11, 2002

Just get in gear and go.

07:15 p.m.
Thursday, October 10, 2002


"Well, well, well. Look who's here..."

"How the f*** are ya?"

"We might ask you the same question. So then, how the f*** are you?"

"I'm f***ing fantastic. I love my job. I'm writing. I'm spending time with the people I care about...I can't complain."

"Wait, so you were just dropping by to say thanks?"

"Yeah. I guess so. Thank you very much."

"Do you know what happens to grateful people?"


"They get laid."

06:00 p.m.
Wednesday, October 9, 2002

I love eating the half-formed ice shards from the cube tray when it's hot outside.

I love the reflection of fluffy white clouds in the coppery shine of the DGA.

I love the rush of the first scent of cold in the air.

I love the feeling that anything is possible, since everything is malleable this time of year.

I love autumn.

07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002

If you get rid of your demons, you lose your angels.

- Tennessee Williams

11:45 a.m.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002


"What is love?" I ask
Wedding kisses seem a dream
Not my fairy tale

Country clubbing fam
Why all these reminders of
What I cannot have?

Lo and behold, I
Have his head, heart and hand...hear
Catwoman meow

New discovery
Revolution write or wrong
This could be the one

Watch Moulin, I sing
This crush could crush me, but still
I know what love is...

4:30 p.m.
Monday, October 7, 2002

Love is like a fruit. It may look good, but you shouldn't bite in it until it's ripe.

- Nick Hertl

11:00 a.m.
Friday, October 4, 2002

(Points for Positive Identification)

"How can he be so skinny and live so phat?"

"When will then be now?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?"

"Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies, and love... does not conquer all."

"The trick is kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's bitch. Then everything will be alright."

"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."

05:00 p.m.
Thursday, October 3, 2002


Who the fuck are you?
Bore me with your blah-zay-blah
Leave me to drown now

Stolen summer...you
Stole trust, I have none left...so
My turn to act dumb

Sex sounds, but I run,
No tears left to cry

One asks me to come
The other says I can't stay
My job my one love

When you least expect...
Romance returns on the moon
Who the fuck am I?

7:00 p.m.
Monday, September 30, 2002

"Just living isn't enough," said the butterfly. "One must also have freedom, sunshine, and a little flower."

- Hans Christian Andersen

10:00 a.m.
Monday, September 30, 2002

Carly sang it best.

"You're so vain...you prob'ly think this song is about you, don't you?"

Well I have news for yous. There are hundreds of people and thousands of experiences that have happened, are happening and will happen in my life, not to mention those of my unbridled imagination. Don't think for a second that although these rants, raves and riddles might be raised in reality, they are born and bred in a blender of the above.

I have ho's in so many different area codes it would make your head spin. I have passions layered so deeply that it would take a psychological forklift to unearth them all. I have so many divergent thoughts swirling through my subconscious in a single second that it's enough to make a Tasmanian Devil dizzy. What makes you assume, even for a second, that my blood on these pages is a product of your sword?

But then again...

Perhaps it's better to be safe that sorry. Just promise me you won't play it too safe.

After enjoying, enlightening, illuminating, uncovering and inciting here, the least that you can do in return...is be a pirate, not a p****.

06:30 p.m.
Thursday, September 26, 2002

A true friend is one soul in two bodies.

- Aristotle

04:00 p.m.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002

MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Welcome Back to the Grindstone

Hard to be a host
Even when my sorrows drown
Bunched are my panties

But Oh Holy God
Do my friends care about me
Such a good feeling

Lingerie and booze
Not like sleepovers of youth
Inhibitions? Where?

Circle is complete
Except for the most wanted...
Love comes other ways

Is there such a thing
To have it all? I wonder...
My next assignment

03:45 p.m.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002

Good gravy...

02:30 p.m.
Sunday, September 22, 2002

Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

- Harold Whitman

10:30 a.m.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Happy Birthday to me...

This is the best present I could ever have dreamed.

10:00 a.m.
Monday, September 16, 2002

It's official.

It's anticlimactic...but official.

I'm too tired to be thrilled, but somewhere beneath my discheveled exterior, there is a girl that's screaming with joy.

07:15 p.m.
Friday, September 13, 2002

They're all liars, losers, thieves and fools
I'm just the pillaged as they pirate my jewels
If only they knew how to access their tools
I wouldn't be up shit creek in marabou mules...

07:00 p.m.
Thursday, September 12, 2002


It's the one-year anniversary of September 11th, and despite my inclinations to be cynical, busy and otherwise beyond reproach of reflection, I feel somehow compelled to share my thoughts and feelings. That is, on a more significant level than the soul bearing I do here each day.

This is not because I have been drawn into the trend of emailing animated images of flickering candles, driving with my lights on (can't help that) or telling those that are close to me that I love them. Rather, this is a time of reexamination for me on many levels, the least of which I would like to share with you all right now.

There are many reasons why this day and this time of year is so important to me. It's no small coincidence that such a day of thoughtfulness would fall during the holiest days of the year. The fact that it would coincide with my birthday and my promotion is not insignificant either. The one-year anniversary of the night my life was changed forever in a harrowing car accident was a mere three days ago. But the true reason for all of this remembrance was an occasion not marked by flags, candles, cakes, the shofar or new business cards. I celebrate today a different kind of anniversary. That of being reborn.

A year ago this coming Friday night was without a doubt the lowest point of my existence. The events of my accident and September 11th had taken their toll, and I could barely function. Too wiped to cry, scream, sleep, talk, eat, I had hit the lowest of lows. No comedy could make me laugh, no friend could make me smile, and no reassurance could lift me from the depths to which I had stooped. I was beyond reproach. I was under the bottom.

So with certainly no further down to travel, and nowhere else to go, I lifted myself up.

I knew that of all the gifts that we have been given in this life, that of self-restoration is the most sacred. We, as humans, are blessed with the ability to see beyond ourselves, if we so choose. I chose, and therefore I chose life.

In this my twenty-fourth year on the planet, which comes to a close on Monday, I have learned this difficult lesson. Often it takes people their entire lives to see themselves, and for being gifted enough to know now I am eternally grateful. Sure, itís not always easy to choose life, and often I allow myself to sink, wallow, wail, roil and tumble. But itís mostly for the pleasure that comes from moving past it again. The beautiful misery that comes in the afterglow of oneís birthday, if you will.

So this year, I honor more than the people I love dearly, the job I will do my best to dominate, the birthday I will celebrate wholeheartedly, the holiest of holy days, the regeneration of a generation.

I rejoice in life.

10:30 a.m.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

- Drew Carey

11:30 p.m.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002

It's been a long time, but I promise to be more attentive and shortly. There's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on...

05:15 p.m.
Monday, September 9, 2002

Courage is being scared to death--and saddling up anyway.

- John Wayne

05:00 p.m.
Monday, September 9, 2002



"All clear."

"Good to hear."

07:00 p.m.
Thursday, September 5, 2002


By Charles Bukowski
Courtesy of Alana Jacobs

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there,
I'm not going to let anybody see you.

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks
never know that he's in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up?
you want to screw up the works?
you want to blow my book sales in Europe?

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too clever,
I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad.
then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there,
I haven't quite let him die
and we sleep together like that with our secret pact
and it's nice enough to make a man weep,
but I don't weep,
do you?

03:00 p.m.
Thursday, September 5, 2002

To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle that any human being can fight--and never stop fighting.

- e.e. cummings

08:30 p.m.
Tuesday, September 3, 2002

Today's Virgo Horoscope: September 03, 2002

The leadership skills you've been accumulating over the past few months or years are really starting to pay off. Your knowledge and power is evident in the dynamics of a friendly group. Leave the heavy work up to the rest of the clan -- all that you have to do is show up and shine.

Tonight, keep in mind that not everyone needs to know why you've had this sudden change of heart. Your secret is safe among a trusted few.

03:00 p.m.
Tuesday, September 3, 2002

Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of people.

- †Mother Teresa

06:15 p.m.
Monday, September 2, 2002


Why is it that the ones that are the most toxic are the ones that entice us the most?

Why do I get physically repulsed by anyone who offers me their soul and is sporting Drakkar Noir and a chain, yet am physically turned on by the untouchables in their vintage button down oxfords and thin plastic prescription frames...and their roommates?

It's been 9 months...why can't I let go?


I wish I knew.

Oh how I wish I knew.

02:45 a.m.
Monday, September 2, 2002

When we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn't just ourselves that we're discovering. We're discovering the universe.

- Pema Chodron

07:30 p.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2002


9:00 a.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2002

Like Goldilocks, I try on chairs, hats, bears, beds, porridges, shoes, men...and then, and then...

It all comes down to this.

Nothing fits.

09:15 a.m.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002

The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

09:00 a.m.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002

I am fumbling towards the feeling that as fleeting as happiness may be...I deserve it.

7:00 p.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002

WEEKEND UPDATE: Finishing the Hat

Are you done yet?

Why do growing pains have to hurt so damn much?

How could I be so blind as not to know that it would surely come down to this?

I can sell an igloo to a snowman, but I can also give him a flamethrower.

He called it a power color. He has no idea. Some think it's sexy, some say it's too intense, others think I'm copying them. But the fact of the matter is...I look damn good in red.

It's time.

09:30 a.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002


How dare you? Fuck you!
I won't stand for this treatment
Nor sit nor lie down

Blind date #64
I've had enough sparks to start
A damn forest fire

No solace, no rest
The dim light at tunnel's end
I've done my penance

Console myself with
Good friends, good food, good times...but
This is killing me

I dream of a time
When life and love are just right
Who knows what comes next...?

09:15 a.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002

The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.

- George Bernard Shaw

09:00 a.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002

What a day.

What a week.

What a life.

I've come to the conclusion that without goals and an eye on the future, the present can only bring suffering. The Ford quotation below is 100% correct; if I didn't have my eye on the prize right now, I'd be in a world of pain. Fortunately though, the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is within sight. If I can last these three weeks without another episode, anything is possible.

It will make the glory of my winnings all the sweeter.

06:00 p.m.
Friday, August 23, 2002

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.

- Henry Ford

05:45 p.m.
Friday, August 23, 2002

A few things I learned today - In no particular order:

Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past... instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like normal people.

"The only time is present tense; only most of the time we're too tense to be present." Thank you Michael.

...and that THIS just might be the funniest thing I have ever seen.

7:00 p.m.
Thursday, August 22, 2002


In no set order
The world falls into place but
I fall to pieces

Work and rest and date
But everything frustrates me
Except all my friends

He enters my dreams
A mix of all and none too
Smiling from within

Full moon over me
I can't wait for what comes next
No time like present

With no time to spare
Become a superhero
The world needs me now

6:30 p.m.
Thursday, August 22, 2002

Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may grow.

- Louise Driscoll

7:45 p.m.
Monday, August 19, 2002

Word of the Day for Friday August 16, 2002:

Uh-PLOMM, noun:
Assurance of manner or of action; self-possession; confidence; coolness.

As in:
"Even in the face of extreme adversity and the absence of her superiors, the young analyst handled the department with an abundance of grace and aplomb."

06:15 p.m.
Friday, August 16, 2002

If you are going through hell...keep going.

- Winston Churchill

07:00 p.m.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002

Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor was given to us to console us for what we are.

- Mark McGinnis

03:30 p.m.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002


Fridays are Sundays
I write, get to bed early
Old before my time

Thank God for Mommy
I look like a Dev-Diva
Just in time for show

Sugar-rimmed home brew
Dance With Crazy Girls...But I
Miss my sexy side

Lazy Summer? Ha!
Today, I'll just relax...and
Play games with myself

Avalon is mine
Drinks with my girls and Kiefer
Sundays are Fridays

06:00 p.m.
Monday, August 12, 2002

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

-Garrison Keillor

04:05 p.m.
Wednesday, August 7, 2002


"Yes Ma'am."

"Just saying hello. I'll check back in a little bit."

"Okay. We're not going anywhere."

"Thank God..."

04:00 p.m.
Wednesday, August 7, 2002

Not yet.

Not just yet.

07:00 p.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002

The fire of anger only burns the angry.

- Chinese Proverb

Oh Lordy... Preach...

10:45 a.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002


Is this really it? Two years, coming together for this?

How do you pretend that you haven't been waiting? How do you appear as if you had no idea that greatness was nipping at your heels, and was only now smart enough to latch on tightly?

When you finally get everything you've ever wanted, how long do you get to enjoy it before it starts to dissolve?

I have been blessed with patience. But I am done waiting. Sure, the Universe will bring whatever it wants, whenever it wants...but I know that my time has come.

I want to fall in love so badly that I can taste the hunger rising in my throat. But I also will not compromise this opportunity at greatness. I will not give up writing for love or money. I will, however, give up sleep.

I'm ready.

10:30 a.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002


Blow to the ego
Isn't this what I've wanted?
Not like this. No Way.

Blessing in disguise
I write, sleep in, run errands
Almost normal...right?

This blind date's a catch
But I don't hold my breath...I
Can't afford to drown

Instead, I take joy
Relishing in friends and food
Last days of freedom

What will happen here?
Only the Universe knows
But I will too...soon

10:00 a.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002


07:45 p.m.
Friday, August 2, 2002

Sometimes, even if you know you are right, it feels better to swallow your pride and apologize just so things can begin to get better. This is the worst kind of stubbornness, because it appears so open to change. In reality, you feel even more vindicated in your position. The other person is none the wiser.

11:15 p.m.
Thursday, August 1, 2002

It's never the end of the world. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

- Charles M. Schultz

11:45 a.m.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

10:00 a.m.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002

Better Nate Than Lever

Groovy, Baby! Yeah!
Confucious might smell something
Return of laughter

I don't miss toking...
But uninhibited joy
Put that in your pipe

Fly to the Falcon
I flirt, network, dine and drink
This is not for me

Cry while reading scripts
Watching "Sex," washing dishes
I'm writing again!

Monday night party
He's twenty! What's wrong with me?
Well...Maybe nothing...

03:00 p.m.
Tuesday, July 30, 2002

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.

- Yiddish proverb

06:45 p.m.
Friday, July 26, 2002

Here are the two best prayers I know: 'Help me, help me, help me' and 'Thank you, thank you, thank you.'

- Anne Lamott

12:30 p.m.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002


What is it about a full moon that just seems to make things happen? Am I really this powerful?

If that's the case, then why do I keep hurting myself? Can you please pass the bactine?

What is it about falling, whether its in love or down the stairs, that is such a scary form of exhilaration?

Fuck all y'all. I'm so fucking done that you can take my a** right out of the oven.

All El Pollo Locos should have Foster's Freeze inside of them.

I'm not jaded. I'm just experienced.

6:30 p.m.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002

There's a full moon tomorrow night...just as an FYI.

06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 22, 2002

Today's Virgo Horoscope
July 22, 2002

You'll be feeling ambitious today, but it won't all be serious. There's an intriguing breath of romance in the air -- perhaps someone interesting at work? You're in luck -- that special someone seems to be making eyes right back at you.

You may find yourself creating new and exciting plans to replace the usual dull and boring routine. Lighten things up by changing what you do, playing around within your boundaries. Learn to see things like a child -- don't just cook, paint with food; don't just live, laugh and delight in your good fortune.

Somewhere they're playing your song. Grab each other by the hand and go to that place where magic always happens for you. You still turn each other on like nobody ever did before. As far as you're concerned, there won't be anyone else for future comparison.

Oh Really...

06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 22, 2002

Poetry is what gets lost in translation.

-Robert Frost

06:45 p.m.
Friday, July 19, 2002

I feel slightly ornery today.

"No kidding."

"There you are, Universe!"

"Hey kid. How's tricks?"

"On the rise. Thanks for asking."

"Good to hear. We'd tell you that we'd try to keep it that way, but that's up to you. Ornery or no. We prefer ornery though."

"Word is bond, Universe. Word is bond."

04:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 18, 2002

High is our calling, Friend! Creative Art
Whether the instrument of words she use,
Or pencil pregnant with ethereal hues,
Demands the service of a mind and heart.

-William Wordsworth

01:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 18, 2002

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

- Woody Allen

02:30 p.m.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Hurry up and wait.

While this might be the byline to life itself, it has certainly described the pace of things as of late. I just can't shake the feeling that something big is coming, but I have no idea what or when.

It's driving me crazy.

07:00 p.m.
Monday, July 15, 2002

To the Bitter End

Bite the bullet now
Got answers but more questions
Will he really call?

Chill and rush and run
But break and be rear-ended
Post-Trauma kicks in

Dependable, I
Flit from parties like monarchs
Beat wings without rest

Dressed up down disguised
My real self will always shine
It alone is true

I still laugh and sing
But why do I cry when I'm...?
Longing to be touched

09:00 a.m.
Monday, July 15, 2002

I don't think I've ever worked so hard and had so much fun at the same time.

Fielding offers from New York, fending off clients, digging into stories with my bare hands and bared teeth...this is the life.

I love it.

07:30 p.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002

Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable are the kind who do nothing.

- William Feather

06:30 p.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002



"Long time no talk."

"We know. We've been waiting right here."

"But I was waiting too..."

"What were you waiting for?"

"Divine inspiration, I guess...I'm not sure if I've found it. But here I am. I guess that I was just tired of waiting."

"Sometimes that's all you need to get motivated and get back on the path. Welcome back."

10:00 a.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002

Physical Health: Slowly Stabilizing
Mental Health: On the Rise
Emotional Health: Stabilizing
Spiritual Health: On Hold

But if it's any indication that I'm healing, I think that I might be ready to talk to the Universe again. If only just to say hello.

09:45 a.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002

Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.

- Pete Seeger

07:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 11, 2002


05:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 11, 2002

If there is one quality I can't stand, it's cowardliness.

Because as a good friend once said, "A man who never took a chance, never had a chance."

There goes yours.

07:45 p.m.
Wednesday, July 10, 2002

We have not come into the world to be a number; we have been created for a purpose, for great things: To love and be loved.

- Mother Teresa

07:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002

"Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something."

- Westley in The Princess Bride

01:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002


What is the difference between a Steer n' Stein and a Cask n' Cleaver?

How can I be so elated and yet so sad at the same time?

Why does nothing ever seem to be permanent enough for me?

I am so glad that I live in Los Angeles.

I think that I now know how to straddle the line between conservative safety and playful risktaking.

Even though I'm moving on, I still want closure.

09:15 a.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002

Word of the Day for Thursday July 4, 2002:

REFULGENT (rih-FUL-juhnt, adjective:)
Shining brightly; radiant; brilliant; resplendent.

As in: "The lights of Las Vegas shone refulgently on the tanned, eager faces of the girls, as they strutted the Strip in their high heels and tight black pants. No man was immune to their charms. They knew it...and they worked it."

Also: "After spending the weekend away in a paradise of hedonism and self-involvement, she had the refulgent idea that although she couldn't always live her life on eleven, she would take the juicy goodness, the empowerment, the smiles and laughter, and use it all to fuel a new chapter in her story. The one where she finally gets the guy."

06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 8, 2002


(The extended version) Viva Las Divas!

Like a headless chick
I run ragged, can't relax
Welcome to Vacay

Travel 'round the world
Before ever leaving home
The road calls to me

Fireworks are fun
But after a four-hour drive
The stakes have been raised

Yard-long margs and sun
Even my brain gets tan as
my head and heart pounds

Vanil tea and sauce
Not as saucy as us girls
Smoking the dance floor

Recurring rhythms
Feel the flow in cards, drinks, boys
Alive and on fire

I fly in a strange
Boy's arms, and though he can't kiss
well...I can teach him

Pornos, room service...
Who the hell am I? Rock Star?
Apparently, yes

I flirt, nibble on
Identity play, but I
Can't eat here each day

Long drive home, talk of
Boys in heat. I lost them but
Won a best girlfriend

10:45 a.m.
Monday, July 8, 2002


Well, well, well!

10:00 a.m.
Monday, July 8, 2002

Are you still out there? Hope everything's allright...

09:00 a.m.
Wednesday, July 3, 2002

These days, I can't even really talk to the Universe. I just don't know what to say.

We all know that for me to be at a loss for words...something is definitely wrong.

08:45 a.m.
Wednesday, July 3, 2002

I may just be sitting here slovenly and biding my sweet, slow time, as I go about my not-so-mundane business...but I'm smiling. :)

07:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 2, 2002

When you know for sure, anxiety falls away. But so does the excitement of not knowing.

Is it possible to be safe and scared simultaneously?

That's where I want to be.

08:15 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

All comes at the proper time to him who knows how to wait.

- Saint Vincent de Paul

06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

It's articles like this... that remind me of why I want to be a writer.

03:15 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

actu∑al∑i∑zation (--l-zshn) n. The act of realizing into action or making something real.

What does it mean to be an actively creative person? For starters, itís waking up at the crack of ass, just to welcome the day. You must use every waking moment that isn't tied to putting food on your table (and perhaps some that are...ahem) to fuel your fires, light your smile and shine others on the way to their own paths, especially if you get to be creative in doing so.

Sometimes it helps to have a partner in crime, someone who can inspire you and learn to be the most intune soul they can be by your side. Teaching each other to actualize potential and create a commitment to striving for better is the very definition of a mitzvah. It is one of the Universe's most sacred gifts, and should be celebrated with as much expression as possible.

But if you can't see a soul just like your own yet, do not despair. Go through the motions as if you had the energy yourself, and soon enough, the creative world will find you.

You do not have to be frustrated to be creative, as is often conceived. You just have to know that to express yourself and enlighten others in the process is the purpose of your stay on earth. Somewhere, in a parallel dimension, you exist in the perfect image of yourself, fulfilling your duties with panache and verve. You just have to actualize this eventuality. After all, how can you let down the Universe?

12:45 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

It's been such a long time, but I think that I'm falling in love with performing again.

I don't know if this is necessarily a good thing, but I'm not going to question it. I'm just going to sit back, play my heart out and have fun.

Famous last words.

12:30 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

Falling Into Tune

Like an opera
This is my last aria
Promote or kill me

From off-stage, I hear
Harmonies from heaven, but
I've got bad stage fright

My girlfriends are fun
But when they chorus "Don't call..."
I should pay grave heed

Such bizarre bliss, like
Something from a Musical...
Eyes flash across stage

Voices like angels
Kindred spirits soar in song
Won't you fly with me?

11:45 a.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.

- Erica Jong

09:30 a.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002

Today's Virgo Horoscope
June 27, 2002

The current celestial configuration is shouting for you to go a little further to the edge than you ever have gone before. The worst that could happen is that new doors will open, odd strangers will become the best of friends and you'll open up sides of your personality that you never knew existed. The best that could happen is that you could finally get what you've been working for. See that road that takes you through the darkest part of the woods? It's actually a short cut.


07:30 p.m.
Thursday, June 27, 2002

As the sun sets and darkness falls...sometimes, you can see a little light leak through. Some think that this is a flash of magical green. Others see every color of the rainbow. Whatever color it may radiate, it is a reminder that even greater rays will surely shine when morning comes.

08:00 p.m.
Wednesday, June 26, 2002

We grow old as soon as we cease to love and trust.

- Madame de Choiseul

If that's the case, then I must have aged ten years in the past week.

07:30 p.m.
Tuesday, June 25, 2002

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.

- Comte de Buffon

03:15 p.m.
Monday, June 24, 2002

5-7-5...If I can sing, I'm still alive

After death comes life
But dumped by two guys at once...
Makes the music die

Sorrows drowned with friends
Nothing takes love's place...except

Finished all my hours
Should be singing, but instead
I pine for lost love

Eighties party...I
Dressed like Madonna but can't
Justify my love

But post BBQ
Met a boy who harmonized...
My heart can still sing

03:00 p.m.
Monday, June 24, 2002

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

11:45 a.m.
Friday, June 21, 2002

I have been blessed.

I have been given the amazing gift of being able to help others find the words.

Why can't I seem to bring that blessing home and find them myself?

11:30 a.m.
Friday, June 21, 2002

Every exit is an entry somewhere else.

- Tom Stoppard

09:30 a.m.
Thursday, June 20, 2002

Do you ever have one of those days?

I've been having one of those weeks.

I'm a lean, mean, problem-solving machine. Most of the time. But not now.

For all intents and purposes, this is a not-so-silent plea for help.

I have never and will never admit to being powerless, but boy does this come painfully close. Whether it's work itself, colleagues, friends, family, suitors, homestead, machinery, fashion, piece of mind, plan of attack, heart's desire...it's all falling down.

I know this is only temporary. I know this will make me stronger. I know. I know...

But solace just doesn't ever come soon enough.

Sure, I can comfort the world...but who will do the same for me?

Somebody, anybody please help me see the humor in this.

"You rang...?"


8:00 p.m.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

-e.e. cummings

09:45 a.m.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002

She who laughs last, lasts.

Or so they tell me...

07:30 p.m.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002

I am officially addicted.

This is the bane of my existence.

Don't even get me started on the one with lemon...

02:15 p.m.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002

Wanna hear something frighteningly accurate?

"You have a sensible and realistic outlook on life and your two feet are always planted firmly on the ground (though you may, on occasion, have your head in the clouds). Others often see you as a rock of strength, solid, reliable, dependable, and constant. Though you have a gentle, even soft, appearance, you are enormously strong-willed and stubborn. You can be coaxed and persuaded by charm, beauty, love, or affection - but never forced. You won't fight either, but simply stubbornly resist any attempt to coerce you to do something you do not want to do.

You appear calm, unruffled, and nonemotional most of the time, but behind your easygoing and peaceable appearance there lies great strength. When it comes to a contest of wills, you often win simply due to your relentless persistence, your ability to outlast just about anyone. You have a keen appreciation of the natural world and get much happiness from simple creature comforts and the physical world, with all of its myriad delights. You are quite sensual in a very natural, wholesome way and you know how to enjoy yourself.

You have a sharp analytical mind, a keen eye for detail, and you prefer to observe, dissect, and study life from a distance. Conscientious and conservative, you can be relied upon to be careful, efficient, and thorough in your work and you take pride in doing a job well. Whether in your environment or in yourself, you tend to focus on the flaws, with a desire to improve, refine, and perfect. You are strictly factual, truthful, and scrupulously honest in your self-estimation, and you often do not give yourself enough praise or credit.

You analyze before you act. You are too serious sometimes. Allowing yourself to play and to make mistakes would be HEALTHY for you!"

From Here. Go there...if you dare!

08:00 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002

After all, if something seems too-good-to-be-true, it usually is.

Famous last words.

07:45 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002

Close your eyes...

Take a deep, calming breath...

Place one foot in front of the other...

...and just GO!

03:15 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002

No Rest for the Weary

Flirt with disaster
I know better but it's fun
Sleep twelve hours instead

Just eight hours left
I'm so close but yet so far
Restitution, ho!

I'm such a good friend
I wonder when it's my turn
Then I feel guilty

How dare I assume
I deserve this? No love... I
Cry myself to sleep

"How was the weekend?
Did you have fun and party?"
"No." "Oh. Wow... Who died?"

10:45 a.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002

Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we're damned if we are going to show.

- Mignon McLaughlin

10:15 a.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002

Word of the Day for Monday June 17, 2002:


(pur-spuh-KAS-uh-tee, noun:)

Clearness of understanding or insight; penetration, discernment.

If only life were a little more like Sesame Street. Then the Word of the Day would have a direct bearing on that day's "episode." I could count on some enlightenment then for certain.

Today's show is brought to you by "Perspicacity," "True Love," "Invigorating Relaxation," "Healing Energy," "Earth-shaking Lovemaking," "Dissolution of Fear," "Ultimate Sustenance" and "Rollicking Laughter."

Oh...and the letters "U" and "I."

09:45 a.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

- †Edith Wharton

04:30 p.m.
Sunday, June 16, 2002



"I'm hanging in there..."

"We know. You're doing the right thing."

"I know. But it's still good to hear that sometimes."

"That's why we're telling you."

"I'm glad that I was listening...and that I heard."

04:15 p.m.
Sunday, June 16, 2002

A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows.

- St. Francis of Assisi

08:45 a.m.
Friday, June 14, 2002

"Please. Please."

"We know. Yes. Shh. Don't Worry. It's okay."

"Are you sure? It doesn't feel okay..."

"But it will be. We promise. Our word is as good as..."

"Gold. I know. I believe. I. I believe anything you tell me."

"We know. That's why we are with you. And them. And her... Always."

"Okay. Okay."

"It's okay."

07:45 p.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002

If I haven't said it lately, or frequently, or ever, or yet...

I do.

With all my heart.

05:45 p.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002

When you see things in black and white, it makes them true.

But when you see things on the faces of people you love, it makes them real.

I can't believe how hollow I feel inside. I'm a sad shell of the person I felt I was just this morning. The thoughts that seemed so profound earlier are now just petty and inconsequential.

How dare I entertain thoughts of protecting myself from potential heartbreak when one of this scale is at hand. I'm ashamed.

We are so very blessed to be touched by people in the way that we are. I'm trying so hard to cherish it. I can't believe how many people I have told that I love them this afternoon. I can't believe how many people have told me.

I can't believe all that is still left unsaid.

I'm trying to tell you here.

05:15 p.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002

Just call it "Eau How I'm Smiling..."

I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like every time you start to become sure of yourself or not care about the outcome of your chance at happiness, they come back out of the woodwork. Like a vulture to the kill, like a pimp to the p****, like a bee to honey, the scent is innately and intuitively felt. From the past, from the present, to the future and everywhere in between, it's as if they know just when I'll care the least about their query. Call it nice to have the attention, call it comeuppance, call it ironic, call it tragi-comic, you can hypothesize all you want; you'll be proven right every time.

Normally, I'd do one of two things. I'd either relish the attention for the value of protection, or I'd schluff it off while pining away. This time though, there is a strange balance at hand. Perhaps it's just folly on my part, but I'd rather sit back, smile and enjoy the show, than fall prey to my emotions or especially anyone else's.

Not only am I having too much damn fun...I smell terrific!

10:30 a.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002

Okay, okay...

So I'm a little bit scared.


But I like it!

09:00 a.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002

When you follow your bliss, doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.

- Joseph Campbell

06:15 p.m.
Wednesday, June 12, 2002

Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.

-Margaret Chittenden

09:00 a.m.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002

"Be careful what you wish for..."

"I know, Universe, I know."

08:45 a.m.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002


How do I hold onto this tenuous, impeccable balance?

How can I be rewarded with a second chance, after I dare treat an angel with disdain?

How can I ever thank you?

I'm so grateful for this, as with all life lessons.

Oh my God, I am having so much fun that it should be illegal. Actually, scratch that. I would definitely violate probation if that were the case. Um, I mean...uh...

It looks like I haven't lost the will after all. Thank God.

6:00 p.m.
Monday, June 10, 2002

and other Life Lessons

Jury Duty Calls
I wait, ponder and explore
Almost a day off!

Barney's Beanery
Lakers and my crazy friends
That's all a girl needs

Working OTC
I hit my head and realized
How much I like him

"If I had the choice...
To leave or marry you now..."
A kiss was my reply

Is this all a dream?
Pinch me! Spank me! Uuh...I mean...
I can't stop smiling

11:00 a.m.
Monday, June 10, 2002


How dare I question what is being offered...how dare I accept it without question?

Self-fulfilling prophecies: Why is it that they can't help but come true?

Would you rather run barefoot through the forest in search of a shoe that fits, or throw on the first pair you come across in order to protect your feet from the elements?

Guide my sword and my mighty pen will follow.

I can't help but be true to my principals, but mostly, I must stay true to myself.

But even still, thank you .

10:30 a.m.
Thursday, June 6, 2002

Faith is the bird that feels the light, and sings when the dawn is still dark.

- Rabindranath Tagore

10:00 a.m.
Thursday, June 6, 2002

As the Reverend Mother used to say, when the Lord closes a door, somehow He always opens a window.

- Sister Maria Von Trapp (The Sound of Music)

10:00 a.m.
Tuesday, June 4, 2002


Another wild time
Weekends end too damn quickly
Without needed rest

Vodka, Mojitos and Beer
Cloudy skies, clear head

Something lost and gained
I'm grateful for both since I'll
Get just what I need

While sparing a flat
He kissed me so sweetly it
Patched holes in my heart

Two Hours of sleep
But your lingering kisses
Soothe all of my pain

10:00 a.m.
Monday, June 3, 2002



"Thank you."

09:45 a.m.
Monday, June 3, 2002

There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened.

- Jules Renard

09:30 a.m.
Friday, May 31, 2002

It's raining it's pouring ...

My love life's no longer snoring ...

It's funny...but this is the first time in memory that I'm just not worried about it. Imagine that!

A catch 22 if I've ever heard one. You have to be secure in your life to attract it all, but it's always the attraction of it that makes you secure.

Either way, it's a sign of the upswing that I've been experiencing of late, and a blessing for which I am incredibly grateful.

(Is it just me, or does the actual weather seem to have a direct bearing on the nature of the flow of events in our lives?)

Food for thought. I'm going to go enjoy the rain now.

09:15 a.m.
Friday, May 31, 2002

DSL self-starter kit...done.

Page 15...done.

Actually cooking a meal for myself...done.

Not bad for one, tired night.

Not bad for Rambo...

12:30 p.m.
Thursday, May 30, 2002

I had the most visually jarring, haunting dream last night...

I dreamt that my entire life was a weird series of coincidences, and they had all been created so that I would process events in a certain way. But one day, the threads began to unravel, and I end up figuring out that it's all a conspiracy. I start confronting people and they confess to all being a part of it. After my whole world shatters, they tell me what its all for.

I was bred to become the most elite analyst of personality ever created, using my skills of perception, awareness, intuition, analysis, criticism and especially dialogue as a highly-sought after writer and reader of scripts. They want to use me in an undercover operation which will ostensibly last the rest of my life. Although I am bowled over, I can't help but be struck by all the coincidences, because it all makes perfect sense...

Either I've just uncovered the key to my life, or I've been watching too much ALIAS.

10:30 a.m.
Thursday, May 30, 2002

The highways of life are full of flat squirrels who couldn't make up their minds.


12:30 p.m.
Wednesday, May 29, 2002

MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS (a day late and a dollar short...)

Schlep to the valley
They say it's the porn "hotbed"
I still can't get laid

"I'm just a drunk guy..."
Trouble knows where to find me
Wherever I go

Two dates in one night
Blame it on the full moon, right?
Girlfriend's still got it

Drinking more and more
But I still can't catch a buzz
Sorrows drowning me

One more long weekend
"To where?" "Oh, just hell and back."
"Oh yeah? Where's your tan?"

09:45 a.m.
Tuesday, May 28, 2002

"You've got that right. HA!"

"Shut up Universe!"

"Make me..."

09:31 a.m.
Tuesday, May 28, 2002

Coincidences are spiritual puns.

-G.K. Chesterton

If this is the case, then the Universe must laugh loud and long at my life. But I suppose we've already established that...

09:30 a.m.
Tuesday, May 28, 2002

I'm grateful, I'm lucky, I'm blessed, I'm bowled over, I'm fortunate, I'm thrilled, I'm humbled, I'm speechless, I'm touched and I'm inspired.

But I'm still hungry.

Oh yes.

This time, I'm going to savor each morsel of juicy goodness, instead of voraciously polishing my plate.

Because soon enough, it will be time to feast again.

At which time, I'll be all the more sustained.

08:45 p.m.
Monday, May 27, 2002


I said something tonight I fear
That placed me far instead of near
The only place I ever want to be

Sometimes I donít know my own strength
Though I would go near any length
To get close enough inside of you to see

Such sadness in your pale pool eyes
Did I do something to compromise
Your earnest real and heartfelt honesty?

Ironic despite your brave faÁade
You want nothing more than to applaud
Your sweet defeat, give up give in to me

But I cannot force
You canít deny
I touched you
Didnít even try
Just as you touch me
What an unconscious prize

So let it go
And let me in
Allow surprise
And weíll both win
Our greatest fear
And greatest hope realized

To let the angels in you in me inside

I complicate thingsÖthat I know
I wound you where it will not show
Indelible impressions on your soul

But this is something new to you
Iím made of such stronger stuff too
I could catch even you when you lose control

The sweetest girl youíd hope to meet
So close to being so complete
But aching for a heart so like her own

If you could just let go and trust
The universe is sometimes just
Two souls like ours donít need to be alone

Though you canít force
I canít deny
The way we fit
Needs not ask why
This blessing is
Of immeasurable size

So let me go
And Iíll come in
Our tears have dried
Instead we grin
Thereís no more fear
Our greatest love realized

Because we let angels in you in me inside

08:00 p.m.
Monday, May 27, 2002

The soul secure in her existence smiles at the drawn dagger and defies its point. The stars shall fade away, the sun himself grow dim with age and nature sink in years, but thou shalt flourish in immortal youth, unhurt amid the war of elements, the wreck of matter and the crush of worlds.

-(From "Cato" by Joseph Addison 1713. This was the passage Edgar Allen Poe encrypted and challenged his readers to decipher in 1841. It was not until 1992 that a Duke University doctoral student succeeded.)

12:30 p.m.
Friday, May 24, 2002

If I didn't have to schlep to Beverly Hills every day, the eastside is where I would plant my roots. My dad grew up there and my grandparents still live in Los Feliz. I spent more of my childhood on the Griffith park train and pony rides, my teen years smoking up at the Observatory before ducking into Lazer shows, my college years learning the ropes of how to get into the Dresden without an I.D., and those years post perfecting the art of writing at the patio of the Coffee Bean and Coffee Table, nursing hangovers at Eats, flinging my golf clubs at the Godzilla on the driving range, falling tipsy into friends' arms in a waiting booth at echo and the Short Stop after dancing my tuchas off, toasting cabernet on the twinkle-lit patio of Cafť Stella, likewise with steins of teutonic goodness at the Red Lion and trying not to spend too much money at Skylight books.

With such an overwhelmingly satisfying combination of nature and nurture, there's nothing like it in all of this vast, magical city.

10:45 a.m.
Thursday, May 23, 2002

When I despair, I remember that all through history, the way of truth and love has always won. There have been murderers and tyrants, and for a time they can seem invincible. But in the end they always fall. Think of it, always.


10:30 a.m.
Thursday, May 23, 2002

What Gives Me the Chills
(Not to be confused with the list of what inspires me)

Driving fast on Mulholland and PCH
Art in which I see myself
Ghosts, Angels, Guides, Demons and Fairies
Being visited by the aforementioned
Santa Ana Winds, especially on a cold night
Saying the same thing at the same time as someone
The moment before you know the first kiss is happening
Certain ones thereafter
Seeing someone's soul in their eyes
Witnessing enlightenment
When you hear a Universal Truth that resonates to the core
Meteor Showers
The moment you realize you could be in love
Near death experiences
Watching Fireworks
The moment that the plane leaves the runway and flies
The moment that it touches down again
The burning remains of my hard-earned first car after I was pulled from its wreckage, virtually unharmed
The rest of that night
September 11
The moon over Maui
Awareness of the movie that is your life
Getting caught / the thrill of the possibility of it
Being on stage / put on the spot
Revisiting high school / camp / college
The night sky
Predicting the future
Witnessing true love
Witnessing new life
Witnessing death
Experiencing Dťjŗ vu
Connecting so deeply that there is no need for communication
Taking someone elseís energy / Giving yours
Giving up, giving in, letting go, letting God

10:00 a.m.
Thursday, May 23, 2002

"...but you are [good]."

"I KNOW! I know..."

"What? What do you know?"

"I know what you're going to say Universe, so just stuff it, okay?"

"What? We weren't saying anything. We're just observing."

"Observing? Just chilling and watching me screw up another one? C'mon. Can't you cut a girl some slack? This is the part where you help me...right?"

"Oh no. We can't do that. It's too much fun to sit back and laugh."


"What's so funny?"


"Is it okay if I laugh too?"

"We thought you'd never ask."

"HA!" "HA!" "HA!"

"Thanks, guys..."


10:15 a.m.
Wednesday, May 22, 2002


It has occurred to me
I'm not the me I used to be
How it hurts to finally see

I know this cannot be
But oh love sweet misery
They say it loves bad company

My love you are to me
The one and only
Though it's killing me slowly

That's how you look at me
Unsure of how to be
Whether to hold or set me free

But in this mess
of hurt and tenderness
My love I must confess
that I am truly blessed

For you are mine
and although it feels like quitting time
There's a slight chance
we just might start to shine

Though this hurt is paralyzing
I come back willingly for pain
Although its driving me insane

My love this is abusing
No longer amusing
But I just can't not choose it

We're no longer concealing
And can now start the healing
Though I'll miss that loving feeling

The Ending
This mixed message I'm sending
I'm now done pretending
My heart so needs mending

So in this mess
of hurt and tenderness
My friend I must confess
that we are truly blessed

For my heart is mine
and although its quitting time
I know now that we
can finally start to shine

10:15 a.m.
Tuesday, May 21, 2002

The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.

-John Vance Cheney

07:15 p.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002


She was more addictive than nicotine, and how he wished her scent would linger on his fingertips half as long.

He told her this softly, although the heady words had come from her own self-sure mouth sometime before. She didnít mind. He had been imitating and innervating her throughout the night, and while she knew his mouth better than his mind, she was taken by his creative spirit.

It had been years since her last cigarette, but the image of that craving surfaced when her lips met his, again and again. Oh sweet intoxication. . .she could dip into his smoky kiss indefinitely and still not quite satiate her newfound urge. For someone who was so used to being in complete control, she was surprised at the thrill of this blissful helplessness.

It wasnít expected, this serendipity, but it was more than accepted. Though she also believed in karma, she was too superstitious to admit to it now. Surfing such a sequence of extreme highs and lows in her life recently was enough to make her dizzy, but she was somehow holding fast to her sanity. An enlightened mentor had assured her repeatedly, ďSomeday, it will all make sense.Ē She always believed that it would, but it sure was taking its sweet time getting there.

That same sage-like friend had also warned her years before, about the power of thought and creation that lies behind your imagination. As brash and mischievous as she was, she did not heed this, and would allow her dreams to carry her as far as they could reach.

Sometimes her mind would drift out the window, floating over the towering spires of the money-grubbing Westside, crawling with the hungry looks of men in shirtsleeves and silken nooses. She would coast out East of Hollywood, where the buzz of brilliance from the black-clad, freethinking hipsters would call to her. Their intense lust for life so surely matched her own, but the brazen businesswoman in her was slow to admit it. It was there that she knew inspiration laid waiting for her, if only she had the courage to seek it.

Although he was from that world, it wasnít his geographic location that sparked her passion, but his mental one. He was so certain of himself, both in words and actions - never trying to pimp pretense. How he could so simply and accurately put a finger on exactly what she was thinking unnerved her even as it excited her. She would never admit it, but she prided herself on her impenetrable layers of self-protection, only allowing the worthy few to enter her psyche. His cracking of the code was a delicious mystery, which she couldnít wait to unearth further. The fact that his warm and teasing kiss weakened her to the core didnít hurt either.

Whether or not she was embracing an old habit, whether or not she was in control, if she picked up the pieces and moved forward, or simply tore herself from the ties of self-doubt and jumped into the arms of the unknown, she knew that she was blessed.

A lazy smile unfurled across her face, as she gripped tighter to her desk, staring out at the view, and into her own soul.

07:00 p.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002

I'm so sorry that you feel so lost. It makes me want to reach out even further towards you to be with you, you know? Two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, and all that. The lure of feeling so safe with someone when everything else is falling to pieces...Everyone says that they hate drama, but then they run towards it headlong when the alternative of nothingness presents itself.

We have to be strong...knowing that we feel as lost as we do for a reason. This painful self-evaluation is the best thing that can happen to us. We are going to be okay - I will try to trust it if you will.

I just can't reconcile the horribly ironic feeling that the only thing that will soothe this burn is the very thing that's burning me.

06:45 p.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002

Your sun-drenched soul as filtered through the smiling tears of your langorously lyrical language enraptures me, capturing my own imagination, and setting it free where it had always dreamed to tread but never dared.

11:45 a.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002

People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.

-Daily Bread

10:55 a.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002

(***WARNING: Certain rambling information contained within this webpage may be of a highly cryptic or mysterious nature. This is intended for the safety of its intended recipient. Should the metaphors become too obtuse, or the writing too righteous, you must present your encryption code to the originator of this transmission with wit and flair. If all else fails, disconnect your computer immediately and call for assistance***)

10:30 a.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002


When will anything ever be enough...for anyone?

How can I give someone the gift of pleasure, if I have trouble feeling it myself?

What is it about a walking contradiction that infuriates and floors me simultaneously?

When it rains...oh yes, does it ever pour.

When you throw down the gauntlet, you'd better believe that I am going to have to represent.

There is far less poetry in the world than there should be for my taste.

10:15 a.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002

Monday Morning Haikus:
If Music Be the Food of Love...Play On

A real dinner date
It sounds so "normal" but I'd
Rather ravage you

Though if food was love
I'd peel and eat you like shrimp
Bursting in my mouth

Tears in your Pilsner
Something I said? I'm sorry
I only meant well

Voraciously I
Polish off my cheeseburger
I just taste your pain

Your lips leave my cheek
Hungry, like sweet strawberries
Staining the shortcake

09:45 a.m.
Monday, May 20, 2002

"Just checking."

05:00 p.m.
Friday, May 17, 2002

"He is just geeky enough for me to feel totally comfortable with him, and just mysterious and cool enough to intrigue me and leave me a little hungry."

Famous last words.

03:55 p.m.
Friday, May 17, 2002


When I was 21, I was picked up by a young actor at the Formosa. He was cute, nice and made me laugh, so I agreed to let him take me out to dinner later that week.

That evening, he calls to tell me where / what time, and informs me that he didnít get paid that day, as he thought he would. He apologized profusely, and asked me if he could take me out for a cup of coffee instead. Although my tummy was grumbling, I gladly agreed.

We had coffee and talked, as I discover painfully that although heís a pretty boy, he is not the sharpest crayon in the box. Time goes by, we browse a record store together, and now Iím starving. I tell him ďLook, I hate to be rude, but I must eat. Iím gonna swing through the IN N OUT drive through and get myself a little something.Ē He was fine with it, but as we were at the order box and I am in mid sentence, he taps me on the shoulder and innocently inquires if I could spot him some fries. I look at him, laugh, and scoff ďum, no. but you can have a couple of mine.Ē I smiled sweetly, ate my double double animal style in peace, and laughed at him again when he had the audacity to try and kiss me goodnight.

I never heard from him again.

03:45 p.m.
Friday, May 17, 2002

Some days, I canít get enough of people.

I introduce myself to strangers, smile without prompting, say hello to youngsters, oldsters and everything in between, and find myself acutely aware of karma, energy and all subconscious forms of interaction. Faces, voices, native tongues and body language fascinate me. Having grown up and gone to school here, I find that I rarely go anywhere without running into someone I know. I love people watching as a sport, making up stories in my head or sharing them with imaginative friends. I file all this in a mental cabinet, to be taken out when I write, and in doing so, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.

However, there are some days when all I want to do is close the doors, open the windows, turn off the phone and crawl under the bed. I enjoy my own company tremendously, but sometimes at the risk of alienation.

As it happens, this is actually the main hazard of writing.

07:00 p.m.
Thursday, May 16, 2002

The sacred is discovered in what moves and touches us, in what makes us tremble.

- from Reflections, by Ardath Rodale

06:00 p.m.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002

I think that the purpose of life is to always be striving for something better. If we stop, we die.

I love my life Ė everything in it, I have made or worked for in one way or another. While I enjoy (almost) every moment, I canít deny that there are a few things that I am keen to have / experience.

I want to gain something from my writing, whether it puts food on my table or touches other peopleís lives-that would fulfill me greatly. I want to be in great shape, and utilize that in my adventures. I want to have the time in my life to hang out with the people I love, and be by myself doing the things I love. There are many more classes I want to take Ė cooking, photography, dancing, martial arts, history, psychology, philosophy, literature, poetryÖand give astronomy that old college try.

Also, I canít deny that this heart was made for loving, and although I donít believe it will find ďthe oneĒ the way I used to, it has loved in the past and will love again in the future, I would like to believe that there is indeed a great love out there Ė a yin for yang, salt for sweet, body and soul combination that knocks me off my feet, picks me back up and begins again.

While I am complete without this, I know how great I could be if I were complemented as such. Nothing then, is missing from my life in this moment, but I would gladly welcome the ethereal company.

05:15 p.m.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Warrior Bodhisattva - n. One who unflinchingly embraces suffering to the point of renouncing one's inner self.

If that's the case, then I've reached Nirvana.

02:45 p.m.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Almost there...

Keep going...

Don't stop.

09:45 a.m.
Tuesday, May 14, 2002

If he's the wrong man, you can turn yourself inside out with smiles and perfume and French maid's outfits and nothing will work.

If he's the right man, you can have greasy hair, spinach in your teeth, and your skirt on inside out, and he'll still be entranced and follow you to the ends of the earth.

Ė Cynthia Heimel

07:45 p.m.
Monday, May 13, 2002

Today's Virgo Horoscope

The Moon ensures that your spirits are high whether you're invoking cosmic powers, cheering on your team or raising a toast. As far as you're concerned, you're on top of the world -- and nothing can bring you down. Although you are currently focused on the workings of the brain, try to keep in mind that a healthy body has the ability to generate healthy hopes and dreams. Knowing what you can do both mentally and physically inspires you to try even harder.

This is one of those days where you'll spill coffee on your keyboard and your disk drive won't recognize your floppies. Hang in there, a night out on the town this evening will do wonders to improve your mood.

Love short-circuits your plans. Sweethearts who've been apart can't wait any longer. A failing relationship seems less important when someone new enters the picture. Yesterday's fairy tale could be tomorrow's happy ending.


Mmm Hmm...

07:30 p.m.
Monday, May 13, 2002

These days, I've been sparking to the idea that life is on an incredible upswing...and I am enjoying every second. I'm making friends, kicking ass, taking names, writing words, loving life, living it up, turning it in, piecing the puzzle, holding my heart, laughing out loud, cooking with salt, refueling my soul and bringing it all back home.

As far as the pyre goes, I'm open to suggestions. Joie de vivre is just the beginning of a deeper, hungrier spirit quest that finds meaning behind the necessary positivity. Exchanges with those who live their lives in such a manner fuel my fire like nothing else. I'm having a blast on this journey, but while I think I'm hysterically insightful, I know that there is a firebringer that gets the joke and knows the next chapter by heart. That's a start.

What's next...?

05:15 p.m.
Monday, May 13, 2002

That's much more like it.

09:00 a.m.
Saturday, May 11, 2002

Love is like quicksilver in the hand.
Leave the fingers open and it stays.
Clutch it, and it darts away.

-Dorothy Parker

10:15 a.m.
Friday, May 10, 2002

Please Please Please Don't


03:45 p.m.
Thursday, May 9, 2002

A Letter From Kevyn


Today I choose life-

Every morning when I wake up I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain, to feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices- today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it. To embrace the fear of not knowing, of not having control over much of anything except my reaction to it and the control I have over myself and my actions. I let go of my sadness over past hurts to make room for today's journey. I've heard that life is a series of old doors closing and new doors opening, but its hell in the hallways. The fear of not knowing- were the next 30 days shown to me, would I want to go through the motions of reliving what I had been shown? Or would I want to prevent problems and change my own destiny? Well, I cannot tell the future but I can choose to direct my heart and soul towards good and loving acts- to say a silent prayer for the happiness of all- for the good to shine through.

Just by thinking one positive thought I am redirecting my moment, my day, my life.

Today I choose-


This was written by Makeup Artist and Gay Rights Activist Kevyn Aucoin, who died today of a brain tumor at age 40.

Keep fighting the fight.

05:15 p.m.
Wednesday, May 8, 2002

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

08:45 a.m.
Wednesday, May 8, 2002

Page 9...

End of the first sequence.

Thou elusive, thou enigmatic...

You are now my bitch.

How does it feel, to know that nothing, not you, or your funny friends 10, 11, 12...on up to 117...none of you can stand in my way anymore.

Hold your applause. I'm not done yet.

But I've crossed the threshold. I'm not going back.

I'm writing.

08:45 a.m.
Tuesday, May 7, 2002


"You rang?"

"Is this some sort of a sick joke?"

"What?...Oh, that. You like that?"

"No, I don't like that. Are you crazy?"

"We think it's hysterical."

"You think you're so funny, huh?"

"We didn't hear YOU laughing..."

"HA!" "HA!" "HA!"

"We thought you might find that funny, after all."

"Are you serious?"

"Why, no. Do you want us to be? We thought you could take a joke."

"I can, it's just...Maybe...it might take a while. Eventually, I'll probably think it's hilarious."

"You will. We know you will. And then we can laugh together."

"HA!" "HA!" "HA!"

"See? Now you're talking!"

05:30 p.m.
Monday, May 6, 2002



What is the use of shining brightly, if there is no one to reflect your light?

Does it get any better than this?

How do I stay on top?


I love being alone but I hate being lonely.

I still got it.

You must be willing to risk everything to get anything.

10:45 p.m.
Sunday, May 5, 2002


Nothing's wrong
Bring it on
I will survive it all

It won't be long
I'll sing my song
I'm having a ball

Do your worst
You're not the first
I want to taste the pain

Who says I'm cursed
I'm just immersed
In going insane

I'm tough enough to take it
Just when you think I won't make it
I will surprise you

Because I'll take it where I can get it
It only affects me if I let it
I'm tough enough

You're being kind
I'll be just fine
This is temporary

I've lost my mind
I can't rewind
Don't mean to be contrary

I must confess
I thrive on stress
Though my head is corrupt

This is a test
I'll do my best
Don't think I won't step up

I'm tough enough to win this
Just when you think I will give in
I will amaze you

Because I'll take the crown in minutes
I'll even land my ass in Guinness
I'm tough enough

I'm tough enough
To show my stuff
When life is rough

I'll huff and puff
and call life's bluff

I'm tough enough

03:10 p.m.
Friday, May 3, 2002

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.

-Jonathan Winters

10:20 a.m.
Friday, May 3, 2002

Just because I love the way that you see the world, doesn't mean I love you.

Just because I love you, doesn't mean that I love the way you see the world.

But I think that you love me because I dare to dream...

10:15 a.m.
Friday, May 3, 2002

I see you.

You might think that I'm just watching, but I see you. I hear you too; I donít just listen. You donít need to speak or gesture for me to understand. There is an innate connection between us that is unspoken.

Something about it reminds me of the time that I was great. I want to be great again.

I know you feel that too, and that you see and hear me. You never have to say it; I can see it in your eyes. The way I've caught you looking at me. The way our laughter turns to music when it echoes together.

But as comfortable as it may be, all of this polite, chivalrous acquainting must come to an end. We can no longer dance around each other. We must dance together, or get off the floor.

I know we are distracted, anxious to get moving on our paths. There are too many intriguing souls to experience, too many wondrous adventures to enjoy. Or perhaps we are too scared to recognize the signs right in front of us.

If I keep my heart, but make it my own, I know that wondrous things await. I just have to choose it and embrace it. I have before, I will again, and my happiness will find me on this, and all of lifeís adventures.

But I have seen and heard the shimmering, shining aural outline of a soul so like my own, that I had to slow to a stop on my path. I refuse to give into the fear and so I must ask this question before I move on.

Would you like to dance?

05:45 p.m.
Thursday, May 2, 2002

"A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. Adventure. Heh! Excitement. Heh! A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless!"

-Yoda (Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back)

We know this much is true, for we have seen it in action. However, even with this zen-like mindset, would we never aspire to be greater than we are if we didn't crave these things?

I want it all...and I have never thought that was too much to ask. I don't want the world on a string; if it were that easy, I'd have it already. But there is indeed an action-and-romance-packed happy medium, filled with tensions, twists and turns that flow brilliantly and effervescently towards the inevitable happy ending.

Starring me as the charming and bold heroine, of course.

How can I be both the scribe and the star simultaneously? The zen jedi and the swashbuckling princess? The story analyst and the screenwriter? Being patient yet proactive? Working hard yet having fun? Staying grounded in reality, yet adventuring the possibilities?

Perhaps that is the greatest feat of the writer: to intimately know the world as it is, observing and reporting it dutifully, and then turn it on its head to reveal its higher self, that beyond our wildest dreams.

Does that make screenwriters the journalists of our imaginations, then? With all of life as the greatest movie ever made...?

I suppose that I'll just have to do it and see, especially since there is no try.

10:15 a.m.
Thursday, May 2, 2002

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin

08:50 a.m.
Wednesday, May 1, 2002


Sometimes all I want
Is to turn off my mind
to stop the thoughts that haunt
to let the spool unwind

To filter out the smart
To let in only joy
To reach out with my heart
To never get annoyed

By turning off my brain
Life would be so good
I wouldn't go insane
Just trying to be understood

Action instead of reaction
And spontaneity
I'd get such satisfaction
From lack of sensitivity

No more judgement or disappointment
Accepting not expecting
No flies to spoil my ointment
No higher self directing

I'd be the life of the party
I'd never get jaded or bored
The always-loved and lended
And never ever ignored

If only I could see I have the key to set myself free
It's a no brainer and the only way to be

I'd always find affection
For my affability
I'd never face rejection
For being high and mighty

I'd be the girl that's fun
Instead of serious
My soul'd get so much sun
I'd be delirious

I'd find such peace in myself
I'd never want for more
The epitome of mental health
For closing off that door

By turning off my brain
Life would be so good
I wouldn't go insane
Just trying to be understood

02:30 p.m.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Humility like darkness reveals the heavenly lights.

-Henry David Thoreau

08:45 a.m.
Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Yesterday, someone asked me why movies like


get made.

I warned them against it 4 years ago.

If everyone just listened to me, the world would spin so smoothly.

01:19 p.m.
Monday, April 29, 2002

"Whoops, whoa there, don't you go enjoying yourself now. We can't have that."

"Oh no, Universe, of course not. I'm sorry. What was I thinking? I'm not allowed to have a good time, let alone actually have one last."

"That's right. Now you're talking."

"I'm so sorry Universe. Don't worry. It won't happen again."

"Damn Skippy it won't."




"What was that?! Did we hear laughter?! Merriment?! A ruckus?! What are you doing?! You are supposed to be miserable."

"Sorry universe, I couldn't help it. The sun found me, and I just had to shine right back."

"Well then. Guess there's nothing we can do to bring you down."

"That's right Universe. I am an unstoppable force of love and laughter to be reckoned with. How you like them apples?"

"Very much, actually. We tried to trick you, but you saw right through it. You passed the test with flying colors. It might not seem like it sometimes, but we couldn't be more proud."

"Thank you Universe. This smile is here for a while. I won't let you down."

11:10 a.m.
Monday, April 29, 2002

Daily Inspiration

What if you gave someone a gift, and they neglected to thank you for itówould you be likely to give them another? Life is the same way. In order to attract more of the blessings that life has to offer, you must truly appreciate what you already have.

-Ralph Marston

04:58 p.m.
Friday, April 26, 2002

Crossing the Threshold: Flyover Revelations

July 29, 2001

To be confused, to want for answers, to seek, to journey, to look high and low, to be craving, to be searching, to be even perhaps a little desperate...is a blessing.

How else would we learn faith in magic, in people, in places, in experiences, in ourselves?

Oh, if only it were as pleasant a notion in reality as it seems on paper. For at times, the struggle itself can break you down before you even glimpse joy, leaving you cynical, jaded, sad and even angry.

Great. What am I supposed to do with this now? For surely, just as soon as you open your arms to embrace this wondrous gift, it will change shape, become unstable or even leave completely.

Is this a depressed, pessimistic or even fatalistic way to look at life? Unfortunately, yes, but still, sadly necessary. Knowing that the lowest lows will be matched with the highest highs is of some comfort, and further still is the chance that you can leave a bit of your shell aside, and appreciate the moment fully.

Lately though, I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am now incapable of feeling bliss to its maximum potential. Even when I am completely involved in the moment, a part of me is missing, looking forward, looking back, fantasizing, imagining, pining, pondering, hoping, praying, denying myself a piece of the happiness that is rightfully mine.

How I wish that I could practice what I preach. I am always told what a mature and thoughtful opinion I have of life and how to live it. I know that I can talk a good game, perhaps with the best of them. But I cannot in good conscience admit to being able to apply these lofty philosophies into my own life.

A classic conundrum to be sure. But how to solve it? I am too old and wise to be young and stupid. I am too concerned and responsible to let go and be crazy. I am too full of love to become heartless. I am too used to doing what I have considered to be right to try out what I know to be wrong. I am too respectful of myself to sleep around. I am too lonely to dig deeper into myself to confront this pain. I am too smart to resort to hard drugs to feel this false happiness. I am too hell-bent on what I consider to be my path to think to adventure into another. I am too concerned with money to let myself be the creative genius that I know I can be. I am too obsessed with art to become a money-grubbing high earner. I am too nice to be a bitch. I am too good a daughter, sister, friend, ex-girlfriend, hook-up, co-worker, student and fellow human being to treat people the way that I am often treated.

Solace is a temporary fix for a lifetime affliction of being too good for my own good.

I try my best to be as grateful as I can be for these gifts and more everyday. But sometimes, when the pain is too great, I wish that I was indeed younger, dumber, looser, more callous, wilder, freer, unafraid of consequences, unphased by disappointment, more chipper, girlier, breezier, bitchier, sluttier, happy-go-lucky, not terrified of my own mind and its abilities.

I wish that there were a happy medium. I strive for it whenever the opportunities present themselves. I work hard at improving myself in every way that I can, even if it means dipping into being less than I instinctually am.

I try on the travel duffel of the journeyer, the trashy outfit of the brazen hussy, the sweet silliness of the alcoholic, the effervescence of a cheerleader, the silky tone of the seductress, the fearlessness of the young at heart, the flexibility of the laid-back, the optimism of the wide-eyed tyro scribe. The ease of being the me I want so badly to be. The me that I am beneath, beyond, above these dressed up and stripped down versions of me. The me of the present, not of the past or future. Well, perhaps of the future.

I can only be confused, seek, want for answers, journey, crave, search, look high and low, and even be a little desperate in trying to find...me.

And that is the ultimate blessing.

04:25 p.m.
Friday, April 26, 2002

If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out.

-Arthur Koestler

04:23 p.m.
Friday, April 26, 2002

Iím starting to believe the things I tell myself.

While I used to gladly spout my witty optimism to others, I had incredible trouble practicing it in my own life. Sure, I could ramble for says about everything. Everyone and their mother tells me to write it down, but when I tell my own mother to write she just smiles. There is nothing like a human mirror to show you your own reflection. So I sat for a moment today and just listened to myself talking. God grant me the positive empowerment and serenity to make lemonade from lemons because the proof is in the pudding but why wait since a journey of a thousand words begins with one and honestly thatís the only way to manifest your own destiny but watch closely because the truth is in the eye of the beholder but not in talk Ė just action, since itís not you itís him and the sooner you realize that the better off youíll be because although you have no idea now, someday it will all make sense.

But do I listen to my own voice? Do I hear what I am saying? Am I this full of shit?

Of course not. It just takes life experience to show us the reality behind the half-truths we dream up in our un-psychic subconscious.

I have been hungrily patient for wisdomís arrivalÖand whether it is dinnertime or not, I will be satiated.

I will write. I will live. I will love. I will write more. I will laugh. I will cook. I will play my guitar. I will walk, dance, move my ass. I will write even more.

Oh and Did I mention I will love?

02:10 p.m.
Friday, April 26, 2002

actu∑al∑i∑zation (--l-zshn) n. The act of realizing into action or making something real.

There are few things in life that can satisfy the illusion that we are the masters of our own destiny.

What? What do you mean Iím not in charge of my own life? What makes you thinkÖ

Although our predetermined fate is independent of this, it often feels as if we are swimming in muddy waters, dragged down by the heaviness of our own existence, instead of floating through the endless rivers of our own imaginations.

The act of creation, be it in conversation, performance, art, deal-making, meal-making or writing, not only allows us to feel as if we are large and in charge, but is in turn our entire reason for being.

With this in mind, there are essentially four different kinds of people in the world: those that do not know how to create but have the chutzpah to make it up as they go along, those who have the skill but not the drive, those that have neither and those who successfully utilize everything that they have been given in order to give back to the universe.

For those of us that are born from the middle ground of drivelessness, it is just as easy to slip into the art and act of creativity, as it is to freeze up and celebrate our happy apathy. But I refuse to settle for such mediocrity anymore.

How then do we embrace the powerful spirits that we have the potential to become? How do we purge the urge to let life pass us by without contributing to it in a meaningful manner?

The key is in the commitment to action, and through it, actualization.

May this site be a record of those beginnings, with you all as my witnesses.



01:45 p.m.
Friday, April 26, 2002