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There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.
- Leonard Cohen
08:15 a.m.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.
- Pablo Picasso
10:30 a.m.
Monday, August 18, 2003
The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reasons for remaining ashore.
- Vincent Van Gogh
08:00 a.m.
Monday, August 11, 2003
The most called-upon prerequisite of a friend is an accessible ear.
- Maya Angelou
8:45 a.m.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003
If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
- Katherine Hepburn
04:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Life is not measured by how many breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
- Unknown
11:15 a.m.
Monday, July 28, 2003
In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different.
- Coco Chanel
03:00 p.m.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
The Best Insult Ever:
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
- Edward Flaherty
04:00 p.m.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
To be loved, be lovable.
- Ovid
06:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 17, 2003
Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
- Anonymous
12:45 p.m.
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw
07:45 a.m.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Oh man! There is no planet sun or star could hold you, if you but knew what you are.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
12:15 p.m.
Friday, July 11, 2003
Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.
- Erich Fromm
07:30 a.m.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an uncharted land or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.
- Helen Keller
10:45 a.m.
Tuesday, July 8, 2003
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
- Benjamin Franklin
12:45 p.m.
Friday, June 27, 2003
An ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
- Elbert Hubbard
10:45 a.m.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine.
- Buddha
06:45 p.m.
Monday, June 16, 2003
If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.
- Anonymous
03:45 p.m.
Monday, June 2, 2003
The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience.
- Emily Dickinson
07:15 p.m.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I want to sing like the birds sing not worrying about who hears or what they think.
- Rumi
06:00 p.m.
Monday, May 19, 2003
It's Peanut Butta Jelle Time ...
03:15 p.m.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.
- Dr. Seuss
06:45 p.m.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.
- T.S. Eliot
03:45 p.m.
Wednesday, April 30, 2003
I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
01:30 p.m.
Wednesday, April 16, 2003
Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, 'I'm with you kid. Let's go.'
- Maya Angelou
07:15 p.m.
Friday, April 4, 2003
As expected today on NPR, Poet Laureate Billy Collins recited his own words against the war in Iraq. But then he said something that resonated further than his own protests. Something that applies to everyone and everything, no matter your views on the conflict.
"It's a good time to keep a poem in your pocket."
Well put Billy. You're gosh darn right it is...
08:00 a.m.
Tuesday, April 1, 2003
Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.
- Helen Keller
06:45 p.m.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
When I first open my eyes upon the morning meadows and look out upon the beautiful world, I thank God I am alive.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
02:30 p.m.
Thursday, March 20, 2003
I am happy and content because I think I am.
- Alain-Rene Lesage
02:00 p.m.
Monday, March 17, 2003
It's a rainy day in Los Angeles...
...and I have it aaalllllll to myself!
08:15 a.m.
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Perfection has one grave defect; it is apt to be dull.
- Somerset Maugham
07:00 p.m.
Monday, March 10, 2003
It's not the honors and not the titles and not the power that is of ultimate importance. It's what resides inside.
- Fred Rogers
06:15 p.m.
Friday, February 28, 2003
Today's Virgo Horoscope
Things were hard, but they're getting easier again. You have the permission of the Stars to relax and breathe deeply. Call it a lucky guess or a solid understanding of the cycle, but you actually anticipated this break in the action. And speaking of things that break in the nick of time, you're finally seeing daylight through the barrier that blocked your way. Such obstacles are no match for your steady, tireless work. Maybe now the people on the other side will see you for who you really are. Your healthy glow is already attracting someone who wants to get next to you.
12:00 p.m.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
What kind of a world do we live in when there is no more Mr. Rogers?
11:45 a.m.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Love the moment, and the energy of that moment will spread beyond all boundaries.
- Corita Kent
10:00 a.m.
Thursday, February 27, 2003
You miss 100 percent of all the shots you never take.
- Wayne Gretzky
06:45 p.m.
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
The heart, like the grape, is prone to delivering its harvest in the same moment it appears to be crushed.
- Roger Houseden
08:00 p.m.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Where there is great love, there are always miracles.
- Willa Cather
08:00 a.m.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Oh Universe...?
Yes, dear?
Just wanted to make sure you saw me smiling...
But of course...we are smiling too. After all, it's not every day that we make miracles.
6:30 p.m.
Friday, February 14, 2003
Wanna hear something funny...?
Today's Virgo Horoscope
February 14, 2003
Every once in a while, you just have to have faith that everything will turn out for the best. Just for now, try to follow your heart without asking whether or not it's okay to do so. If friends or family members wonder at your sudden change of behavior, you can always explain yourself to them later. The Stars bring you closer to your goal than you've been for a long time. There's no need to second-guess yourself. Your plan is almost foolproof.
Vibrant Virgo is feeling energized by the power of other people. Make the most of this social spirit by connecting some of your online friends in real-time. You may find some surprising new outlets for their thoughts and dreams.
Uh huh...
10:00 a.m.
Friday, February 14, 2003
How far that little candle throws his beams! So shines a good deed in a naughty world.
- William Shakespeare
11:30 a.m.
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
According to a recent article in Boston Magazine, did you know that the average American has sex approximately 124 times per year?
I have never been so far below average in anything in my entire life.
07:45 p.m.
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
Not knowing when the dawn will come, I open every door.
- Emily Dickinson
11:15 a.m.
Sunday, February 9, 2003
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
- Dennis Wholey
10:00 a.m.
Friday, February 7, 2003
The More Loving One
Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.
How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.
Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.
Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.
- W. H. Auden
02:30 p.m.
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair...
A-gain.
11:15 a.m.
Monday, January 27, 2003
MEDICINE MANTRA
My mantra is in my medicine cabinet.
When I open the foggy mirrored door each morning, reaching for my usual acoutrements, vitamins, anecdotes and the like, I am faced with the message that fortifies me for the day.
Inside the back of the glass is an embossed label for the maker of the cabinet, Jensen Manufacturing of Los Angeles. Just below this is their heralding of their star product, JENSTEEL. Its bold, raised, white letters jut out in promise of impending strength and fortification, bracing me for all that may follow. It speaks directly to me, reminding me what I'm made of...
I read and repeat it every morning, reveling in the smallest serendipity.
10:15 a.m.
Monday, January 27, 2003
Dreams are but thoughts until their effects be tried.
- William Shakespeare
10:00 a.m.
Monday, January 27, 2003
FRIDAY AFTERNOON HAIKUS: Bring It On
Shake me from slumber
To my waking life and dreams
Passionate and fierce
Throwing gauntlets now
My banter flows like screenplays
Shining words on screen
Dreams come true, I feel
Anything is possible
When you're paid to write!
Potential realized
Draws sexy, strange attractors
Welcome to my World
Grateful for the upswing
I dive in, getting dirty...
What else have you got?
03:00 p.m.
Friday, January 24, 2003
ARMAGEDDON IT
The flashes of otherworldliness began when I was seventeen.
That was the first time I looked outside myself and saw who I really was. I will swear emphatically that it had nothing to do with the psychedelic drugs I had just begun experimenting with in the forests of Santa Cruz.
I also could say that I really got it for the first time when I was in a life-threatening car accident a year and a half ago. It happened just three days before September 11th, and I thought the world was coming to an end. With nowhere else to go, I lifted myself up.
I get it again everytime I fall in love. Or fall out so harshly that the impact shatters every notion I previously held about life, the universe and everything. I often allow myself to reel in self-pity, at least for the moment. But it’s mostly for the pleasure that comes from moving past it again.
That's when I get it most clearly. When I realize that it's all about the choices we make that defines who we are, and what this spinning blue ball has going for it in the first place.
After all, to get it again and again as if each time is the first time is the reason we are here.
11:45 a.m.
Thursday, January 23, 2003
We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
- Nelson Mandela
08:45 a.m.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
The air is filled with fragrant flowers. Winter fiercely blooms, but no one plucks them from their slumber to grace my face but me.
The warm breeze ruffles past my drapes. Winds of change envelop me warmly, but no one whispers for me to listen softly.
The moon shines with possibility. Nighttime is made for romace and chance, but mine are the only arms that wrap around and hold.
January brings new beginnings. Years are filled with promise of love, but to gain it, I am still the one that must be bold.
08:30 a.m.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams
12:30 p.m.
Friday, January 17, 2003
Well...the verdict is in. Apparently, I should quit my day job. People actually think that I can write.
Imagine that...
05:45 p.m.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Self-trust is the first secret of success.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
03:45 a.m.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: I Think It's Time To Play Dodgeball
Courtside courting calls
This player from the sidelines
I remember this
Hippie jam session
Turns dirty; it's been too long
Since it felt so good
Creativity
At all time high, relishing
Fruits of my labors
Fighting illness, I
Get in touch with those who know
How to make me whole
Mercu-retrograde?
Honey it don't get better
Hang on for the ride
10:45 a.m.
Monday, January 13, 2003
Sometimes, when you least expect it, the Universe is listening.
That's right, honeypants...
Honeypants?
Well, you must be, if you're attracting all these sweet, young bees...as you are.
I suppose so. I guess the best thing to do is to sit back, enjoy, and let nature take its course.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
11:00 a.m.
Sunday, January 11, 2003
ON BOOKSTORES
There really is no feeling quite like coming back from a good bookstore. Except perhaps for the feeling of entering one. I love bookstores and don't get to spend nearly enough time in them for my liking. Curling up on a couch with a stack of adventures to be, a warm beverage, perhaps a friend to read aloud and share said adventures with...souls in search of stories. The only thing missing from this perfect picture is the fire, which will just have to come from good writing instead. Perhaps the best way to visit one is on a night not unlike tonight...when a beautiful day can turn rainy or windy on the drop of a dime, and we will escape into any far reality, doing anything to avoid weekend turning into week again.
10:15 a.m.
Sunday, January 12, 2003
Mystery creates wonder and wonder is the basis of man's desire to understand.
- Neil Armstrong
Yes Neil, as in space exploration and dating alike!
11:45 a.m.
Tuesday, January 7, 2003
Today, the following amazing things occured:
I completed my first feature screenplay.
I recorded my first song for my demo.
I saw a fantastic movie with people I love.
I made dates with two boys that I really like.
...so I'm taking the night off!
11:45 p.m.
Saturday, January 4, 2003
Hello page 100.
Hello.
Hello Universe.
Hello.
Hello...well hello.
12:30 a.m.
Friday, January 3, 2003
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
- Lord Tennyson
10:30 a.m.
Wednesday, January 1, 2003
In Chinese Astrology, the year 2003 is the year of the Black Sheep. While the traditional definition of this is one who is unlike and/or makes trouble for the family, we all know that this is because they are often the most interesting and lively of the bunch.
Hang on for the ride.
1:00 a.m.
Monday, December 30, 2002
I know the coming year isn't going to be easy. I know that many tough lessons still lie ahead. I know that life has greater drama in store than either trauma of the last two years. I know that I am unafraid of the unknown. I know that this is enough to get me through. I know that God takes care of the rest.
For I know that the coming year will also bring unbridled joy, highest highs, incredible adventures, soulful connections, creative accomplishments, monetary feats, magical moments and the stuff that dreams are made of.
We'll see to that...
In Universe We Trust.
12:45 a.m.
Monday, December 30, 2002
IT'S THE MOST "THE ONE"-DERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
Aaah, holidays. A time when people are forced to spend time with those who keep closest stock of their faults, all while stuffing their faces and making them feel guilty for not meeting "The One" and having a thousand babies yet. Doesn't it just fill your heart with joy?
It should come as no surprise then that this is the time of year that forces people to take a good look around and take clear stock of their haves and havenots, and their unfulfilled desires. This is the first year in almost four that I have been truly single for the holidays (although I might as well have been for the last two), and while it is a painfully lonely time, the introspection and alone time has been tremendously valuable. Of course, being the procrastinating and internet savvy genius that I portend to be, I have used the past seven days to sew my proverbial electronic oats and take advantage of all the lonely indie rock boys who are aching for arms of their own. There is no shame in my game, no feather in my cap and no man in my heart...yet. What crazy woman would go on six dates in seven days, you ask...and rightfully so. A woman who is in search of inspiration, of hands to hold, of laughs to enjoy, of glances to shy from, only to face them again head on, in awe of what comes next. Yes, all that, and a few laughs at other's expenses along the way. Not to mention free drinks and food.
Oh she's just being cynical to hide her pain, you might say...and you'd be right. Who doesn't want someone near and dear to them, to wish them "Merry Christmas" even though they've never celebrated it, to kiss them "Happy New Year" even though it is perhaps the most overrated disappointment of the calendar year save for Valentine's Day. Of course I want all these things and more, and in my finding of them, I will gladly give of the brave and strong, wise and forthcoming, oversexed and undernourished woman I have grown to be. But in the meantime, I think that I have the right to be skeptical until proven a believer.
Date # 1 was pleasant enough, with its talk of politics, of kibbutzim and good music. But what stung was the fact that during the date, I had mentioned how much it irked me when dates would say "I'll call you," (often while making a gesture of "shooting" for some unexplained reason) and then didn't. Why not avoid the gunfire, be honest and say "good luck with that thing"...or "nice meeting you (dipshit)"...or "have a nice life?" No sooner does Date #1 walk me back to my place then he fires his proverbial gun saying he'll call. I ducked and dodged the bullet. He won't call and I don't care. There were six other chances for chemistry, and I'll be damned if the professor had the week off.
Date #2 was one of the most interesting, and this will be put to task tonight when I see him again. What's this, you ask...and rightfully so. Descriminate dating dame has agreed to see more of one such suitor? Why yes. But not necessarily because of firework sparks either. This one was super-smart, funny, eloquent (but not above making bad puns), considerate, cute (with potential to become hot), a good listener and conversationalist. We closed down the bar and both knew we'd soon see each other again. I'll keep you posted.
Date # 3 was almost a bit too intense for me at first. We had a great repoire over the phone, which surely translated to our in-person talk. He kept making physical contact but never uncomfortably so. He looked like a J. Crew model...almost to the point that I couldn't believe he was as smart as he was or as interested in me as he seemed to be. We also closed down the bar (they must think that I am a hooker there by now), and I got a peck on the half-cheek/half-lip goodnight. I think he was aiming for the lips, so I felt a little like I had let him down. There was no talk of when we'd see each other again, so I waited three days and not having heard from him, called him to thank him. He called me the next day to tell me that he was thrilled that I called and looks forward to our next encounter. Maybe that helped to calm the intensity. When chemistry is there, the rest is in the details.
Date #4 was perhaps the best looking but definitely the most boring out of everyone. I agreed to meet him after I left him hanging. We were all set to meet a few days before, but his passive agressive emails got on my nerves. I simply didn't respond. He kept emailing me, apologizing, begging to meet me, so I finally agreed. More out of pity than curiosity. I had him meet me right across the street from my manicurist, so that it could be as easy and convenient for me as possible. I could barely stomach finishing my (free) capuccino before getting up in a hurry. Someone who is that uncreative, unfunny, uninterested and uninteresting doesn't deserve to date. God forbid they should reproduce.
Date #5 was very good-looking, smart and intense, and perhaps we had the most in common of anyone. He also grew up in L.A., went to private school and ran in the same bar mitzvah circut as I did. While we had witty banter and a lot to talk about, I couldn't quite put my finger on him. Our drinks were interrupted early on by a flaming friend of mine, who was there to meet a date. I did my best to keep the introduction simple, as that this friend is prone to gossip, and I don't need anything to stop before it starts from anything other than my own bumbling accord. The Date and I kept right on drinking, and while he said he'd be in touch, I have my doubts. Sometimes, when people meet someone who is so similar to themselves it is hard to take it easy. You just see the intensity and the long-term, which is scary. I don't want to be afraid of my own shadow - I like to linger somewhere between the carefree and the committed. He did inspire me to stop procrastinating and get back on the blog, and for that I am grateful.
Date #6 was easy to talk to, even simple in his forthcoming attitude and very cute, but I just wasn't feeling it. He enlightened me to the fact that JDate was free and having been freed from the scrutiny of the watchful eye of a guy that I used to date who was recently fired from their auspices, I promptly ran home and signed up. See that? Inspiration where you least expect it. He half-joked too that he knew he'd see me on there tomorrow, but didn't seem to mind. He was the most honest date of them all, and somehow that made him more alluring. I was over it though. We smiled and hugged goodbye, fairly confident (at least I was) that I wouldn't see him again.
I came home to find that I had plans with not one but two of the dates for the weekend. While I don't forsee any marriage proposals or long-term (read more than 5 dates) love here, it is nice to know that I can put my mind to something and attack with full force to get what I want. It doesn't matter how they turn out, because I am learning about me in the process.
Besides, Beck is supposed to be at the New Year's party I'm attending, and a girl's got to save her strength.
11:00 a.m.
Saturday, December 28, 2002
As 2002 dances to a close...
All I can do is hold my breath and nose...
11:45 p.m.
Thursday, December 26, 2002
It's easier to write songs when you're single.
-Lucinda Williams
04:30 p.m.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
Who am I to turn down offers of Sex and the City?
A good, decent, honorable and moral person...that's who.
Oh yeah. Thanks Universe. That really helps make me feel better.
Enough with that sarcasm. It's not just Santa that rewards people for not being naughty...
Good to know. I expect to be hearing from you soon.
Word is bond.
Peace out, homey.
04:00 p.m.
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong
09:15 a.m.
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
THE PERFECT FIT
I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. I had to have it. I had to make it mine.
In fact, I was so in love with the idea of the dress, from its netted hem, ribbon waist, slight sweetheart strapless neckline and silken black cross hatched design, that I failed to realize that it was perhaps the exact opposite of the design that would most flatter me.
For someone who prides herself on her keen sense of intuition, I had neglected to see beneath the surface of even something so superficial.
I realized this on a whim, at 11:30 at night, less than 20 hours before my companywide holiday party. I tried on this would-be love of my life, and to my horror, found that while I had tried it on in the store and felt good about it, now it was fighting me at every turn and curve. How dare this dress betray me, when I had worked so hard to research it, fall for it, secure it for myself and find all the appropriate acoutrements to help us look so great together.
I didn't know where to begin. I called the store, hysterically upset, having remembered that I tried on another dress there that, while not nearly as hip, slick or cool (as my mom likes to say), flattered me beautifully. Through my tears, I asked them to please reserve it under my name, despite my ambivalence about moving on.
I mean, it's a fucking dress. A one-night-only, here-today gone-tomorrow, meets-your-needs-so-then-you-no-longer-need-it, piece of expensive fabric that if you're lucky, is torn from your body in a moment of post-celebratory passion regardless of what it looks like. But in the course of the past few weeks, it came to mean so much more than that. It was to be a badge of honor to wear. A chance to show everyone the feminine beauty behind the glasses and stacks of scripts. An anecdote to so many nights of feeling unpretty. The panacea for my aching heart.
That's when I realized it. This wasn't about the dress. It was about the boy.
Oh for crying out loud...
I took a deep breath, swallowed hard, and put aside what I wanted to concentrate on securing what I needed.
I marched into the store at 8am the next day, embracing the task that lay before me. I took the dress out of its plastic wrap and gazed longingly at it. We could maybe make it work. If I lost a few pounds, or got the right bra to wear underneath it...maybe down the road it would be the perfect dress for me. I would regret having returned it then... But then I stopped and listened to myself. No. I wouldn't hear of it. The same policy had to apply here as with the boy. There would be no waiting to hope that it fits, when there was another dress behind the counter, albeit not quite as enamoring, but a thousand times more flattering and special accordingly. Yes, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I did it.
And a thousand compliments later, I knew that I made the right decision.
I was beautiful.
12:30 p.m.
Monday, December 16, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Roller Coasting
In the nick of time
Put on pretty party face
Elegant facade
Hostess can't get laid
Hiatus breeds new blood but
No one excites me
If only this bliss
Could translate after the fact
Hangover says "ouch..."
New scripts, new songs, new...
One can only hope and pray
Record rendezvous
I know he saw me...
Fall all the way down, but it's
Time to get up now
12:15 p.m.
Monday, December 16, 2002
Sometimes you get the bear...sometimes the bear gets you.
08:30 a.m.
Monday, December 16, 2002
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
10:00 a.m.
Friday, December 13, 2002
The question remains...how do you like them apples...?
Oh Universe...please just stop. It's bad enough that it's true.
We're just getting started. The harvest is coming a little late this year.
Thank God for something.
Thank God for everything...
01:45 p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them. When in reality, they are amazing. That is why we just have to be a little patient, and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple, will come someday.
- Courtesy of Alana D. Jacobs
01:30 p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
I'm moving.
Whether it's on or up or out or over doesn't matter...
But I'm moving. That's all that matters.
01:15 p.m.
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
- Clementine Paddleford
11:00 a.m.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
HOLIDAY DREAMS
While the holidays represent families reunited and fantasies fulfilled for most people, for me...well, I've really never felt that I was in on the joke. Christmas was never celebrated in or near my house, and Hanukkah happenings have dwindled significantly since college came to claim our innocence. Once, an ex-boyfriend gave me a diamond promise ring on Christmas morning, and despite the dream-like occurrence of this event, its romance and flavor have been an anomaly ever since.
For me, for now, this time of year is more like a nightmare. For the past three years I have dealt with some of my young life's hardest issues over the holidays. From heartbreak, to car crashes, to medical procedures, to the fact that this is always the busiest time of year for me at work, there is nothing delightful about the coming days. Sometimes, the mere sound of Christmas Carols inspires such a fury in me that I want to purge my violent urges. But mostly, I just deal with the nightmares as they come...and boy howdy do they come.
For the past two nights in a row I have had lucid, searing, three-dimensional, sensory-pounding dreams that have woken me up in a cold sweat. Dreams where all my desires, while not met are put on full display. Amends are made not by me but to me, by those who have wronged me of late. These apologies and reconciliations have been so real, that when I awake I am shocked that reality hasn't shifted drastically in my favor.
What it means, I don't know, but this time of year seems to make wishes come true for others...
Maybe it will for me too.
10:45 a.m.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.
- e.e. cummings
03:30 p.m.
Monday, December 9, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Take Me Out of the Oven...I'm Done
Back to beginning
Viscious cycles come to rest
Ends as it began
Aside from friends, fam
Everyone bores me to tears
Stop insanity
Fuck this quest for love
All good guys are crazy, gay
Or relationshipped
Seventy seven
Lucky numbers mean good things
Come to those who wait
Year...end already!
I'm sick of your dumb ass face
Aaah... Holiday cheer!
03:15 p.m.
Monday, December 9, 2002
Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.
- Ruth E. Renkel
11:00 a.m.
Friday, December 6, 2002
Tomorrow's Virgo Horoscope
Forget about trying to pick apart proposals and edit drafts. You've got better things to think about. Concentrate on smoothing the lines off your forehead. Do it the old-fashioned way: Forget all about your worries and duties. Enjoy a power lunch in the daytime or some salsa dancing in the evening. Congratulate yourself on how fabulous you are. If you're single, post-work festivities are a good time to scope out romantic prospects.
I'll keep you posted...
04:30 p.m.
Thursday, December 5, 2002
So, they say you have to fuck a few frogs...
That is what they say, right?
06:15 p.m.
Wednesday, December 4, 2002
I’m remembering how to breathe.
I’ve been given so much strange news lately that none of it is gasp inducing anymore. After all, no news is good news, I suppose.
I am in fact more shocked at the lack of news, say, when the person you dated for a month doesn’t call to see how you are doing more than a week after major surgery, than when, for instance, you are told that the fantasy man who just invited you again to New York for New Years is planning on proposing to his girlfriend of on-again-off-again six years and neither asked your permission nor informed you of his impending off-the-market status.
Just let me breathe. I’m trying to recover and restore, not rile up and run over...I mean, where do these people get off anyway? Oh yeah. With me... But only for a minute. Then they come to their senses.
When do I get to come to mine?
02:30 p.m.
Monday, December 2, 2002
So... That just happened.
02:00 p.m.
Monday, December 2, 2002
Perhaps somewhere in between a traumatic, somewhat life-threatening experience, gorging on gourmet, mending a broken body and heart, mixing pills and booze, sleeping all day, watching too much Sex and the City, relishing the reduced speed of my brain's rpm, healing like Achilles, finally starting to get over what I was lodged under, my drug-induced haze and the promise of my permission to be loopy during my recovery, I realized that I am in a particularly peculiar place in my path.
In case you couldn't tell.
02:00 a.m.
Sunday, December 1, 2002
Oy Vey...
01:45 a.m.
Sunday, December 1, 2002
HELP ME!!!
04:55 p.m.
Monday, November 25, 2002
Shut the fuck up.
Calm the fuck down.
Chill the fuck out.
06:30 p.m.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Hope is the feeling you have of the feeling you have not being permanent.
- Robert "The Kid" Evans
02:00 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002
If I were to make a list of all I want for Christmas, I'd be here until Christmas.
01:45 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002
So I made a pact with the Universe: I promised not to feel sorry for myself if it promised to make things go as smoothly as possible. What do you think?
That works for us.
I'm so glad. Thank you Universe.
It's our pleasure. You're doing great so far and you're gonna be just fine. Good doing business with ya, kid.
Well, well...look who else stays in the picture...
01:30 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002
PRE-WEEKEND UPDATE: Throwing the Gauntlet
Questions:
Who's your fucking mama, page 54?
Do you ever feel like you could just cry for days?
Is it over yet?
Answers:
After all this, it's just me.
Thank God for Mr. Big, my nimble fingers on the keys, Team Story, goat cheese, buddha, friends and family.
I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.
01:15 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002
My best friend asked me what I thought about people who fuck their way to the top. The following was my immediate response:
The problem with this, as with all acts of carnal hedonism, is that there are no guarantees; unless you have a spoken contract that said fucking will be a direct catalyst to said employment, there is as much chance of losing face here, as when you might merrily decide to fuck a good friend and mentor that you have had a two-year-long crush on, only for the affair to blossom beautifully and experience the best said fucking of your life but then suddenly and unexpectedly have its wings miserably clipped before it can fly because of the said good friend / mentor’s need to have trauma and neuroses in their life because the fucking bitch that got to him right before you and broke his heart had no concern for the fact that other women wonderful women true matches to the heart of her scorned lover may be felled to the wayside for years to come because of the psychological horrors she inflicted on his poor genius soul, who only ever really wanted the tremendous gifts that you yourself were offering in the first place just by being wonderful you, but he didn’t know what a blessing it was until he bit off its head, beat it, stamped on it, smothered it and doused it with the gasoline of self doubt and misery in a very dark, lonely and vulnerable time.
Why do you ask?
12:00 p.m.
Friday, November 22, 2002
Time will tell.
- Bob Marley
06:00 p.m.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
THE OASIS
The doors to the Oasis were now closed, and for all intents and purposes appeared locked forever to the uninitiated. But the High Priestess knew better. She threw back her long, honey-colored locks with a huff and a grin, as she took one long last look at the tree-top haven and galloped back towards her own hillside castle. Let the Magician take his sweet time. There were infinite adventures to discover and lessons to learn throughout the kingdom. She didn't need his blessing to go on the great journey. Besides, they were a pair. It would take more than stubborn reversals and cycles of seasons to keep them apart. She would check the doors again later. In the meantime though, there was much to be done. The High Priestess turned her attention to the task at hand, while a part of her remained forever locked inside the Oasis, and the Magician's memory.
06:45 p.m.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
THE EYES HAVE IT
The worst hurdle in moving on has hands down been the living ghost that haunts me...in his eyes.
Save for the fact that they are blinder than mine and need similar frames, his are perfectly normal. It’s what’s in them that gets me. Soulful, pensive to the point of brooding, intelligent, warm, perceptive and chameleonic, they morph between blue and green.
I realized this while gazing into them for what felt like an eternity, that awful morning of mourning. But this was no ordinary staring contest. Lying in my bed, we noted that this may be the last time we do so. I was on top of him, the full weight of my semi-naked form covering his big bear of a body. His arms around me, squeezing me, supporting me, lifting me up. There wasn't a more comfortable place to be in the whole world. He kissed my forehead and brushed hair from my face, promising to do everything he could to make it okay. Although both of us were in pain, he seemed more hurt by mine. But then, as he checked my eyes for tears, he grabbed my face in his hands and searched it harder, as if this was it and he had to commit me to memory one last time. As if he was searching for something.
I couldn’t help but stare back just as intensely. The deeper he got, the deeper I got too. In the dewy golden light of the early eastern sun, his right eye seemed slightly greener than the left, but both of them had wavy golden rings, circling their changing hues. I was hungry for answers. I wanted to follow those rings in and out of their undulation to see where they led. I did so, but now wish that I hadn’t. Not because of what I saw when I looked, but what I felt. Just for a flicker of an instant, but I knew. He must have known too because of what came next.
I saw his soul. His bright white, shrouded in darkness, self-destructively passionate, searing in pain, creative despite itself, immersed in agony, hungry for a home, mired in self-doubt, brilliantly intelligent, fiercely expressive, warrior-spirited soul. And in that, I saw myself.
He must have noticed it at the exact same moment, because in an instant, he had thrown me off of him and onto the bed. He gave me a hungry but tender kiss on the lips, and lingered there. That’s when he told me he had to go.
That’s when I knew. It wasn’t over.
But that’s also why I knew I had to move on.
After a summer of six soulmates sealing a syndrome, with not a true connection in a single one, I couldn’t fathom that the one time that it’s been an accurate assessment was the one time that I couldn’t have it, learn it, celebrate it.
I will see myself in other’s eyes again. Maybe his, maybe not. But for now, I know that there are plenty of answers and lessons wrapped up in my own. I need to go inside myself and see what I can find.
The greatest truths of all are behind my own eyes.
07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
We make plans and God laughs.
God makes plans and we laugh.
So who the fuck is the joke on, anyway?
It all dissolves as we solve the question of why,
We were meant to sin...and repent...and die.
02:45 p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
Sometimes, you gotta get down to get up.
01:30 p.m.
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
So you see, when people tell me that I have more important things to worry about than the pallid echoing thunder of my heart crumbling into pieces of shrapnel for the seventeenth time, as much as I'm ashamed to admit it...they're right.
Of course they are. You have incredibly important things on the horizon now. But that doesn't mean you should worry about them.
C'mon Universe...It's me you're talking to here.
Right. Lest we forget our favorite Nervous Nelly over here. It's going to be fine. We should know.
Damn straight you should! Sorry. Been trying to stop swearing... Wait, am I really your favorite?
*Sigh*
09:45 p.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002
In a little more than a week from now, a part of me will be gone.
I will have holes where I've never had them before and be given drugs that I've never taken before. I will be pumped full of gas, cut open, stitched up and sedated. I will be forced to lie down. I will be admitted to the hospital that hasn't beared my name on it's ledgers since my birth there twenty-five years ago. I will be the most still and quiet that I've probably been since about that time too. I won't be able to eat, drink or partake of combustibles as per usual. I probably won't be able to bathe myself or go to the bathroom alone. I will have to abstain, although, that shouldn't be a problem now. I will receive calls from some, flowers from others, perhaps an email or two and a few lucky souls might be deemed worthy enough to see me and help entertain me in my shattered state. I will have to put my life in the hands of doctors that I barely even know. I will have to sign a life insurance policy waiver, even though the event of my demise is phenomenally miniscule. I will have to depend on others for my survival. I will have to trust. I will have to let go. I will have to calm the fuck down.
I will let you know how it goes.
09:30 p.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002
From the deepest desires often comes the deadliest hate.
- Socrates
12:30 p.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Connected, Rejected, Affected
Anticipation
My moment to connect now
I open my arms
Futon pre-party
But we miss the show for play
Smooth operator
Our sex...off tha hook
But wait, what's wrong? Stop, you just
Disconnected me
Before we can fly
He clips my wings, seeking fire
Can't communicate
Alone again, I'm
Not getting a clear line out
Sending S.O.S.
10:00 a.m.
Monday, November 18, 2002
DOWN AGAIN
Just when I thought I couldn't sink any farther
You want to rescue me, nah don't bother
It's the right time for a smack down when I'm let down
You ask me why I'm sad but why do you care
Don't try to cheer me please just don't go there
It's high time for a showdown on the low down
When push comes to shove you show anything but love
But when it’s fun and games you always let me win
You can try to surrender but I'm not a pretender
Because outright lies just destroy what's within
And I can’t afford to be let down again
Don't tell me you'll be there for me when you won't be
I can't stand that it's when I'm with you that I'm most lonely
In the night time I will throw down just to be down
I think I'll just lie down and rot awhile
Won't dare to be uplifted by your smile
It's the only time I can get down when I'm beat down
When the going gets tough you show nothing but love
But this time I’m staying in not just playing to win
As sad as I’m rendered I must return to you sender
Although I know you’ll just invade me from within
Because it feels so good to be this down...again
06:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 17, 2002
It fucking figures...
04:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 17, 2002
They know just when to come out of the woodwork, don't they?
05:45 p.m.
Friday, November 15, 2002
"I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and die. The storybooks are bullshit. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and get in my bed!"
- Ronny Cammareri
Moonstruck
03:00 p.m.
Friday, November 15, 2002
I am bringing a date, but this time he's party trained.
Famous last words.
06:45 p.m.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
Welcome to the world.
Why thank you...
Have you ever seen this before?
No, not at all. Never.
Well...me neither!
That's a scary thought, universe...
But kind of exciting.
All the way exciting. Thrilling. How it's supposed to be.
We know. Enjoy...
I am.
12:00 a.m.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
WORKWEEK UPDATE: I Know This Much Is True
Question:
If I keep trying to use my house key in the work restroom lock, does it mean that I really want to go home?
Answer:
There are few far better things in life than the flattering feeling that comes with being drunk dialed.
06:30 p.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap.
- Cynthia Heimel
010:00 a.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
Today's Virgo Horoscope
November 11, 2002
You feel ready for anything. You hit the ground running, fueled by a blaze of high energy. Over the next few days, you have the power to make your life conform to your vision of how it should be. If you don't have a vision yet, start dreaming. It's never too early to start planning the rest of your life. This is the perfect time to live out your dreams. Once you take the first step, no one will be able to catch up to you.
1:00 a.m.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: The Changeling
The Beck and Call Girl
Whatever your needs may be
Use and abuse me
I have three boyfriends
Each serves a different purpose
But none is complete
Social Butterfly
I flee the scene like murder
Flittering away
Displaced on display
Hide inside my head instead
When did all this change?
Darkest before dawn
I have yet to see the light
Can you please show me?
11:30 a.m.
Monday, November 11, 2002
I'm looking at my watch. I don't want to be here. Is that rude? I don't care. About anything. I see nothing familiar or comforting here. Nothing excites me. Get out of here. I'm lonely in a crowd of people. I am the exact opposite of me. How did this happen? I need a vacation from me. I can't stomach this trial. Pervasive darkness is invading me. I am too apathetic to stop it. What time is it? I hate this. I'm sick of being inside myself. Who are all these people? I can barely bring myself to do anything but watch the clock. I don't see the point in being nice. I have no appetite. All I can do is cry. I can't stand waiting. Do you have the time? Even my favorite sight of the wind in the trees is painful to watch. Watch the time. Ironic that now my watch is working. Where does the time go? This is awful. I am powerless against it. I am exhausted from thought. Why do these drugs make me so emotional? I can't reconcile that everything is too much and never enough. Please help me. Is it over yet? It's only been a minute. I am frustrated by my own skin. Get this foreign matter out of me. I can't wait any longer. If I can't stand to be with me, how can I think that anyone else could? I haven't felt like this in a long time. Is it time? Almost...
08:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 10, 2002
BEAUTY AND THE BOTTLE
There is something so ironic about the notion of an ease of exchanges when alcohol is involved. Sure, as a consommate communicator it is both my duty and my pleasure to express myself consistently and flawlessly, as I do with gusto...even when sober. But what is it about the soaking of one's organs in viscous vodka that allows greater freedom of movement, clarity of communication and assuredness of action? To be empowered by self-destruction is an anomalie if I ever heard one, but that's just the beauty of it.
After all, a world without irony is a world without snarky commentary, witty banter, fierce exchanges, memorable dialogue and moments of truth.
Why else are we here?
11:45 a.m.
Saturday, November 9, 2002
"You met me at a very strange time in my life..."
- The Narrator
Fight Club
04:00 p.m.
Friday, November 8, 2002
This is me.
Going with the flow...
Where it goes...no one knows.
05:45 p.m.
Wednesday, November 6, 2002
But of course.
Of course. Leave it to me to finally realize, after all that...I'm with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide-the-Salami.
Hope I'm hungry...
11:30 a.m.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002
After eleven months of sure-fire abstinence, nights awake and alone, countless dates, heartfelt postings, elicit emails, substandard hook-ups, fierce flirtations, holy obsessions, destructive crushes, six soulmates sealing a syndrome, a summer of twenty-year-olds, obsessive exes, firings, counter-offers, power struggles, drunken flings, broken hearts, crying myself to sleep, dangerous liasons, cross-country manipulations, drug-addled fits of rage and lust, bar tabs, taxi cabs, broken dreams, busted seams, bruises and lacerations, therapy sessions, the first chill of winter, sahara hot nights, stoli vanil and mojitos, marriage proposals, the words I've longed to hear, the words I'll never hear, coming into my own, power suits, overdue congratulations, pain and suffering, doctor's orders, falling down, landing hard, bursting bubbles, split personalities, long time coming, unlikely chauffeurs, romance without a chance, fleeting feelings, haikus for yous, punch-drunk encounters, visions of violence, eyes made over coffee, cigarettes on balconies, lingering kisses, new year's resolutions, consolation and lamentation, the essence of my spirit, the culmination of so many wayward dreams, the new age, the way to work, sex and the city, forests of my loins, fruits of my imagination, being the boss, growing up, growing old, finding solace, feeling vindicated, meeting my match, grinding away, being inspired, writing while intoxicated, facing the facts, knowing myself, purging the urge, tasting love, feeding my soul, catching a glimpse, fading fast, walking away, standing still, still standing...
I'm still standing.
11:15 a.m.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002
"Don't condescend to me, man. I'll fuckin' kill ya, man."
- Floyd (aka Dick's Roommate)
True Romance
10:00 a.m.
Tuesday, November 5, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Over the (Honey)Moon
Happy Halloween
This year, I'll go as a girl
Who finally got some
First kisses are like
Driving Mulholland at night
Please, God, make it last
High as a kite, my
Spirits soar, but I'm still sore
Waiting is so hard
It feels right to write
I know no other way to
Exorcize demons
What can I do now?
My fate's been sealed with a kiss
Hold onto the love
06:45 p.m.
Monday, November 4, 2002
Today's Virgo Horoscope
November 03, 2002
Gone are the feelings of inadequacy you've had for the last couple of days, Virgo. As the situation changes, you shake off your morbid abstraction and rejoin the world. Visits to your dark side make the return to daylight that much more relieving. There never really was a question, but you find yourself answering the group anyway. Now that you don't have to prove yourself any further, you'll have more time for what you really want to do.
Romance
Casual lovers are already making plans to meet again. Those with a real commitment will still be lying side by side when they wake up tomorrow. It's a moment of quiet triumph for those who believe in the power of love.
10:00 p.m.
Sunday, November 3, 2002
From a cause for applause,
to upholding the laws...
Only I am accountable for my own flaws.
06:45 p.m.
Friday, November 1, 2002
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
I'm not sure when it changed, but somewhere between being a little girl and this pseudo-grown-up that I have become, I lost my taste for candy.
Now I'd just rather have dessert.
04:00 p.m.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
WEEKEND UPDATE: Continued
Questions:
Why is it sometimes so much easier to accept being wrong than being right?
Is this a test?
Is it truly possible to have it all, without fear of losing it?
Answers:
Because being right is only vindicating after you've been wronged.
Of course. Everything is.
Sometimes it's embracing that fear that makes it possible to have it all in the first place.
07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
"Don't forget about the man who suddenly got everything he ever wished for... He lived happily ever after."
- Willy Wonka
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory
07:00 p.m.
Monday, October 28, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Autumn's New Leaf
You can count on it
This time of year brings much change
Goodbyes and Hellos
These boots were made for...
Courage of my convictions
Expect nothing less
You ask me "What's Next?"
I smile, knowing answers are
Just a kiss away
Sparks in the dark, we
Bust heads, Break beds but don't sleep
Live our dreams instead
Surface bruises but
Inner wounds have healed...in fact
I'm as good as new
11:30 a.m.
Monday, October 28, 2002
F*** yeah!
8:45 a.m.
Monday, October 28, 2002
Desiderata
Found in Old St. Paul's Church; Dated 1692
Courtesy of A. D. Jacobs.
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars; you have the right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations. In the noisy confusion of life, keep at peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
02:30 p.m.
Friday, October 25, 2002
"We do."
"Universe...?"
"Hey. Are you okay? You're going to be. You're going to be okay."
"I know... I know."
11:00 a.m.
Monday, October 21, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Inclement Weather
Let us play hookey
Leave the VP and Story
To the underlings
With movies to see
What care I to roll calls and
Read drafts of fodder
I have the whiskey
You bring the sausage to grill
Makeshift fireplace
Drunk by lunchtime, we
Make a fort from couch pillows
Hitchcock shadowplay
Weekends last longer
With good buddies, booze and films
Monday holiday
10:00 a.m.
Monday, October 21, 2002
Oh my God.
07:30 p.m.
Monday, October 14, 2002
Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.
- Chuck Jones
06:30 p.m.
Friday, October 11, 2002
Just get in gear and go.
07:15 p.m.
Thursday, October 10, 2002
"Universe...?"
"Well, well, well. Look who's here..."
"How the f*** are ya?"
"We might ask you the same question. So then, how the f*** are you?"
"I'm f***ing fantastic. I love my job. I'm writing. I'm spending time with the people I care about...I can't complain."
"Wait, so you were just dropping by to say thanks?"
"Yeah. I guess so. Thank you very much."
"Do you know what happens to grateful people?"
"What?"
"They get laid."
06:00 p.m.
Wednesday, October 9, 2002
I love eating the half-formed ice shards from the cube tray when it's hot outside.
I love the reflection of fluffy white clouds in the coppery shine of the DGA.
I love the rush of the first scent of cold in the air.
I love the feeling that anything is possible, since everything is malleable this time of year.
I love autumn.
07:00 p.m.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
If you get rid of your demons, you lose your angels.
- Tennessee Williams
11:45 a.m.
Tuesday, October 8, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Come Together
"What is love?" I ask
Wedding kisses seem a dream
Not my fairy tale
Country clubbing fam
Why all these reminders of
What I cannot have?
Lo and behold, I
Have his head, heart and hand...hear
Catwoman meow
New discovery
Revolution write or wrong
This could be the one
Watch Moulin, I sing
This crush could crush me, but still
I know what love is...
4:30 p.m.
Monday, October 7, 2002
Love is like a fruit. It may look good, but you shouldn't bite in it until it's ripe.
- Nick Hertl
11:00 a.m.
Friday, October 4, 2002
MIDWEEK UPDATE: Quotable
(Points for Positive Identification)
Questions:
"How can he be so skinny and live so phat?"
"When will then be now?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?"
Answers:
"Life is not a movie. Good guys lose, everybody lies, and love... does not conquer all."
"The trick is kick someone's ass the first day, or become somebody's bitch. Then everything will be alright."
"It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
05:00 p.m.
Thursday, October 3, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Blah-Zay-Blah
Who the fuck are you?
Bore me with your blah-zay-blah
Leave me to drown now
Stolen summer...you
Stole trust, I have none left...so
My turn to act dumb
Sex sounds, but I run,
Drive-by-trial-by-fire...away
No tears left to cry
One asks me to come
The other says I can't stay
My job my one love
When you least expect...
Romance returns on the moon
Who the fuck am I?
7:00 p.m.
Monday, September 30, 2002
"Just living isn't enough," said the butterfly. "One must also have freedom, sunshine, and a little flower."
- Hans Christian Andersen
10:00 a.m.
Monday, September 30, 2002
Carly sang it best.
"You're so vain...you prob'ly think this song is about you, don't you?"
Well I have news for yous. There are hundreds of people and thousands of experiences that have happened, are happening and will happen in my life, not to mention those of my unbridled imagination. Don't think for a second that although these rants, raves and riddles might be raised in reality, they are born and bred in a blender of the above.
I have ho's in so many different area codes it would make your head spin. I have passions layered so deeply that it would take a psychological forklift to unearth them all. I have so many divergent thoughts swirling through my subconscious in a single second that it's enough to make a Tasmanian Devil dizzy. What makes you assume, even for a second, that my blood on these pages is a product of your sword?
But then again...
Perhaps it's better to be safe that sorry. Just promise me you won't play it too safe.
After enjoying, enlightening, illuminating, uncovering and inciting here, the least that you can do in return...is be a pirate, not a p****.
06:30 p.m.
Thursday, September 26, 2002
A true friend is one soul in two bodies.
- Aristotle
04:00 p.m.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Welcome Back to the Grindstone
Hard to be a host
Even when my sorrows drown
Bunched are my panties
But Oh Holy God
Do my friends care about me
Such a good feeling
Lingerie and booze
Not like sleepovers of youth
Inhibitions? Where?
Circle is complete
Except for the most wanted...
Love comes other ways
Is there such a thing
To have it all? I wonder...
My next assignment
03:45 p.m.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
Good gravy...
02:30 p.m.
Sunday, September 22, 2002
Don't ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
- Harold Whitman
10:30 a.m.
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
Happy Birthday to me...
This is the best present I could ever have dreamed.
10:00 a.m.
Monday, September 16, 2002
It's official.
It's anticlimactic...but official.
I'm too tired to be thrilled, but somewhere beneath my discheveled exterior, there is a girl that's screaming with joy.
07:15 p.m.
Friday, September 13, 2002
They're all liars, losers, thieves and fools
I'm just the pillaged as they pirate my jewels
If only they knew how to access their tools
I wouldn't be up shit creek in marabou mules...
07:00 p.m.
Thursday, September 12, 2002
THE ANNIVERSARY
It's the one-year anniversary of September 11th, and despite my inclinations to be cynical, busy and otherwise beyond reproach of reflection, I feel somehow compelled to share my thoughts and feelings. That is, on a more significant level than the soul bearing I do here each day.
This is not because I have been drawn into the trend of emailing animated images of flickering candles, driving with my lights on (can't help that) or telling those that are close to me that I love them. Rather, this is a time of reexamination for me on many levels, the least of which I would like to share with you all right now.
There are many reasons why this day and this time of year is so important to me. It's no small coincidence that such a day of thoughtfulness would fall during the holiest days of the year. The fact that it would coincide with my birthday and my promotion is not insignificant either. The one-year anniversary of the night my life was changed forever in a harrowing car accident was a mere three days ago. But the true reason for all of this remembrance was an occasion not marked by flags, candles, cakes, the shofar or new business cards. I celebrate today a different kind of anniversary. That of being reborn.
A year ago this coming Friday night was without a doubt the lowest point of my existence. The events of my accident and September 11th had taken their toll, and I could barely function. Too wiped to cry, scream, sleep, talk, eat, I had hit the lowest of lows. No comedy could make me laugh, no friend could make me smile, and no reassurance could lift me from the depths to which I had stooped. I was beyond reproach. I was under the bottom.
So with certainly no further down to travel, and nowhere else to go, I lifted myself up.
I knew that of all the gifts that we have been given in this life, that of self-restoration is the most sacred. We, as humans, are blessed with the ability to see beyond ourselves, if we so choose. I chose, and therefore I chose life.
In this my twenty-fourth year on the planet, which comes to a close on Monday, I have learned this difficult lesson. Often it takes people their entire lives to see themselves, and for being gifted enough to know now I am eternally grateful. Sure, it’s not always easy to choose life, and often I allow myself to sink, wallow, wail, roil and tumble. But it’s mostly for the pleasure that comes from moving past it again. The beautiful misery that comes in the afterglow of one’s birthday, if you will.
So this year, I honor more than the people I love dearly, the job I will do my best to dominate, the birthday I will celebrate wholeheartedly, the holiest of holy days, the regeneration of a generation.
I rejoice in life.
10:30 a.m.
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
- Drew Carey
11:30 p.m.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
It's been a long time, but I promise to be more attentive and shortly. There's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on...
05:15 p.m.
Monday, September 9, 2002
Courage is being scared to death--and saddling up anyway.
- John Wayne
05:00 p.m.
Monday, September 9, 2002
"Universe..."
"Yes?"
"All clear."
"Good to hear."
07:00 p.m.
Thursday, September 5, 2002
BLUEBIRD
By Charles Bukowski
Courtesy of Alana Jacobs
there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there,
I'm not going to let anybody see you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks
never know that he's in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up?
you want to screw up the works?
you want to blow my book sales in Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out
but I'm too clever,
I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad.
then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there,
I haven't quite let him die
and we sleep together like that with our secret pact
and it's nice enough to make a man weep,
but I don't weep,
do you?
03:00 p.m.
Thursday, September 5, 2002
To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle that any human being can fight--and never stop fighting.
- e.e. cummings
08:30 p.m.
Tuesday, September 3, 2002
Today's Virgo Horoscope: September 03, 2002
The leadership skills you've been accumulating over the past few months or years are really starting to pay off. Your knowledge and power is evident in the dynamics of a friendly group. Leave the heavy work up to the rest of the clan -- all that you have to do is show up and shine.
Tonight, keep in mind that not everyone needs to know why you've had this sudden change of heart. Your secret is safe among a trusted few.
03:00 p.m.
Tuesday, September 3, 2002
Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of people.
- Mother Teresa
06:15 p.m.
Monday, September 2, 2002
MIDWEEKEND UPDATE
Questions:
Why is it that the ones that are the most toxic are the ones that entice us the most?
Why do I get physically repulsed by anyone who offers me their soul and is sporting Drakkar Noir and a chain, yet am physically turned on by the untouchables in their vintage button down oxfords and thin plastic prescription frames...and their roommates?
It's been 9 months...why can't I let go?
Answers:
...
I wish I knew.
Oh how I wish I knew.
02:45 a.m.
Monday, September 2, 2002
When we look into our own hearts and begin to discover what is confused and what is brilliant, what is bitter and what is sweet, it isn't just ourselves that we're discovering. We're discovering the universe.
- Pema Chodron
07:30 p.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2002
Aaaah.
9:00 a.m.
Thursday, August 29, 2002
Like Goldilocks, I try on chairs, hats, bears, beds, porridges, shoes, men...and then, and then...
It all comes down to this.
Nothing fits.
09:15 a.m.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.
-Friedrich Nietzsche
09:00 a.m.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
I am fumbling towards the feeling that as fleeting as happiness may be...I deserve it.
7:00 p.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002
WEEKEND UPDATE: Finishing the Hat
Questions:
Are you done yet?
Why do growing pains have to hurt so damn much?
How could I be so blind as not to know that it would surely come down to this?
Answers:
I can sell an igloo to a snowman, but I can also give him a flamethrower.
He called it a power color. He has no idea. Some think it's sexy, some say it's too intense, others think I'm copying them. But the fact of the matter is...I look damn good in red.
It's time.
09:30 a.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: The Bitter End...Again
How dare you? Fuck you!
I won't stand for this treatment
Nor sit nor lie down
Blind date #64
I've had enough sparks to start
A damn forest fire
No solace, no rest
The dim light at tunnel's end
I've done my penance
Console myself with
Good friends, good food, good times...but
This is killing me
I dream of a time
When life and love are just right
Who knows what comes next...?
09:15 a.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002
The only service a friend can really render is to keep up your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw
09:00 a.m.
Monday, August 26, 2002
What a day.
What a week.
What a life.
I've come to the conclusion that without goals and an eye on the future, the present can only bring suffering. The Ford quotation below is 100% correct; if I didn't have my eye on the prize right now, I'd be in a world of pain. Fortunately though, the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel is within sight. If I can last these three weeks without another episode, anything is possible.
It will make the glory of my winnings all the sweeter.
06:00 p.m.
Friday, August 23, 2002
Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.
- Henry Ford
05:45 p.m.
Friday, August 23, 2002
A few things I learned today - In no particular order:
Neurotic: A person who worries about things that didn't happen in the past... instead of worrying about something that won't happen in the future, like normal people.
"The only time is present tense; only most of the time we're too tense to be present." Thank you Michael.
...and that THIS just might be the funniest thing I have ever seen.
7:00 p.m.
Thursday, August 22, 2002
THURSDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Is It Friday Yet?
In no set order
The world falls into place but
I fall to pieces
Work and rest and date
But everything frustrates me
Except all my friends
He enters my dreams
A mix of all and none too
Smiling from within
Full moon over me
I can't wait for what comes next
No time like present
With no time to spare
Become a superhero
The world needs me now
6:30 p.m.
Thursday, August 22, 2002
Within your heart, keep one still, secret spot where dreams may grow.
- Louise Driscoll
7:45 p.m.
Monday, August 19, 2002
Word of the Day for Friday August 16, 2002:
Aplomb
Uh-PLOMM, noun:
Assurance of manner or of action; self-possession; confidence; coolness.
As in:
"Even in the face of extreme adversity and the absence of her superiors, the young analyst handled the department with an abundance of grace and aplomb."
06:15 p.m.
Friday, August 16, 2002
If you are going through hell...keep going.
- Winston Churchill
07:00 p.m.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Imagination was given to us to compensate for what we are not; a sense of humor was given to us to console us for what we are.
- Mark McGinnis
03:30 p.m.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Putting It Together
Fridays are Sundays
I write, get to bed early
Old before my time
Thank God for Mommy
I look like a Dev-Diva
Just in time for show
Sugar-rimmed home brew
Dance With Crazy Girls...But I
Miss my sexy side
Lazy Summer? Ha!
Today, I'll just relax...and
Play games with myself
Avalon is mine
Drinks with my girls and Kiefer
Sundays are Fridays
06:00 p.m.
Monday, August 12, 2002
It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.
-Garrison Keillor
04:05 p.m.
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
"Universe...?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"Just saying hello. I'll check back in a little bit."
"Okay. We're not going anywhere."
"Thank God..."
04:00 p.m.
Wednesday, August 7, 2002
Not yet.
Not just yet.
07:00 p.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002
The fire of anger only burns the angry.
- Chinese Proverb
Oh Lordy... Preach...
10:45 a.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002
WEEKEND UPDATE
Questions:
Is this really it? Two years, coming together for this?
How do you pretend that you haven't been waiting? How do you appear as if you had no idea that greatness was nipping at your heels, and was only now smart enough to latch on tightly?
When you finally get everything you've ever wanted, how long do you get to enjoy it before it starts to dissolve?
Answers:
I have been blessed with patience. But I am done waiting. Sure, the Universe will bring whatever it wants, whenever it wants...but I know that my time has come.
I want to fall in love so badly that I can taste the hunger rising in my throat. But I also will not compromise this opportunity at greatness. I will not give up writing for love or money. I will, however, give up sleep.
I'm ready.
10:30 a.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS: Who Do I Think I Am?
Blow to the ego
Isn't this what I've wanted?
Not like this. No Way.
Blessing in disguise
I write, sleep in, run errands
Almost normal...right?
This blind date's a catch
But I don't hold my breath...I
Can't afford to drown
Instead, I take joy
Relishing in friends and food
Last days of freedom
What will happen here?
Only the Universe knows
But I will too...soon
10:00 a.m.
Monday, August 5, 2002
Wow...
07:45 p.m.
Friday, August 2, 2002
Sometimes, even if you know you are right, it feels better to swallow your pride and apologize just so things can begin to get better. This is the worst kind of stubbornness, because it appears so open to change. In reality, you feel even more vindicated in your position. The other person is none the wiser.
11:15 p.m.
Thursday, August 1, 2002
It's never the end of the world. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- Charles M. Schultz
11:45 a.m.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
10:00 a.m.
Wednesday, July 31, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS:
Better Nate Than Lever
Groovy, Baby! Yeah!
Confucious might smell something
Return of laughter
I don't miss toking...
But uninhibited joy
Put that in your pipe
Fly to the Falcon
I flirt, network, dine and drink
This is not for me
Cry while reading scripts
Watching "Sex," washing dishes
I'm writing again!
Monday night party
He's twenty! What's wrong with me?
Well...Maybe nothing...
03:00 p.m.
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul.
- Yiddish proverb
06:45 p.m.
Friday, July 26, 2002
Here are the two best prayers I know: 'Help me, help me, help me' and 'Thank you, thank you, thank you.'
- Anne Lamott
12:30 p.m.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
(BELATED) WEEKEND UPDATE:
Questions:
What is it about a full moon that just seems to make things happen? Am I really this powerful?
If that's the case, then why do I keep hurting myself? Can you please pass the bactine?
What is it about falling, whether its in love or down the stairs, that is such a scary form of exhilaration?
Answers:
Fuck all y'all. I'm so fucking done that you can take my a** right out of the oven.
All El Pollo Locos should have Foster's Freeze inside of them.
I'm not jaded. I'm just experienced.
6:30 p.m.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
There's a full moon tomorrow night...just as an FYI.
06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 22, 2002
Today's Virgo Horoscope
July 22, 2002
You'll be feeling ambitious today, but it won't all be serious. There's an intriguing breath of romance in the air -- perhaps someone interesting at work? You're in luck -- that special someone seems to be making eyes right back at you.
You may find yourself creating new and exciting plans to replace the usual dull and boring routine. Lighten things up by changing what you do, playing around within your boundaries. Learn to see things like a child -- don't just cook, paint with food; don't just live, laugh and delight in your good fortune.
Somewhere they're playing your song. Grab each other by the hand and go to that place where magic always happens for you. You still turn each other on like nobody ever did before. As far as you're concerned, there won't be anyone else for future comparison.
Oh Really...
06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 22, 2002
Poetry is what gets lost in translation.
-Robert Frost
06:45 p.m.
Friday, July 19, 2002
I feel slightly ornery today.
"No kidding."
"There you are, Universe!"
"Hey kid. How's tricks?"
"On the rise. Thanks for asking."
"Good to hear. We'd tell you that we'd try to keep it that way, but that's up to you. Ornery or no. We prefer ornery though."
"Word is bond, Universe. Word is bond."
04:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 18, 2002
High is our calling, Friend! Creative Art
Whether the instrument of words she use,
Or pencil pregnant with ethereal hues,
Demands the service of a mind and heart.
-William Wordsworth
01:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 18, 2002
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen
02:30 p.m.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
Hurry up and wait.
While this might be the byline to life itself, it has certainly described the pace of things as of late. I just can't shake the feeling that something big is coming, but I have no idea what or when.
It's driving me crazy.
07:00 p.m.
Monday, July 15, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS:
To the Bitter End
Bite the bullet now
Got answers but more questions
Will he really call?
Chill and rush and run
But break and be rear-ended
Post-Trauma kicks in
Dependable, I
Flit from parties like monarchs
Beat wings without rest
Dressed up down disguised
My real self will always shine
It alone is true
I still laugh and sing
But why do I cry when I'm...?
Longing to be touched
09:00 a.m.
Monday, July 15, 2002
I don't think I've ever worked so hard and had so much fun at the same time.
Fielding offers from New York, fending off clients, digging into stories with my bare hands and bared teeth...this is the life.
I love it.
07:30 p.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002
Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable are the kind who do nothing.
- William Feather
06:30 p.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002
"Hello."
"Hi."
"Long time no talk."
"We know. We've been waiting right here."
"But I was waiting too..."
"What were you waiting for?"
"Divine inspiration, I guess...I'm not sure if I've found it. But here I am. I guess that I was just tired of waiting."
"Sometimes that's all you need to get motivated and get back on the path. Welcome back."
10:00 a.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002
Physical Health: Slowly Stabilizing
Mental Health: On the Rise
Emotional Health: Stabilizing
Spiritual Health: On Hold
But if it's any indication that I'm healing, I think that I might be ready to talk to the Universe again. If only just to say hello.
09:45 a.m.
Friday, July 12, 2002
Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don't.
- Pete Seeger
07:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
Son-of-a-bitch!
05:30 p.m.
Thursday, July 11, 2002
If there is one quality I can't stand, it's cowardliness.
Because as a good friend once said, "A man who never took a chance, never had a chance."
There goes yours.
07:45 p.m.
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
We have not come into the world to be a number; we have been created for a purpose, for great things: To love and be loved.
- Mother Teresa
07:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002
"Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says differently is selling something."
- Westley in The Princess Bride
01:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002
WEEKEND UPDATE
Questions:
What is the difference between a Steer n' Stein and a Cask n' Cleaver?
How can I be so elated and yet so sad at the same time?
Why does nothing ever seem to be permanent enough for me?
Answers:
I am so glad that I live in Los Angeles.
I think that I now know how to straddle the line between conservative safety and playful risktaking.
Even though I'm moving on, I still want closure.
09:15 a.m.
Tuesday, July 9, 2002
Word of the Day for Thursday July 4, 2002:
REFULGENT
(rih-FUL-juhnt, adjective:)
Shining brightly; radiant; brilliant; resplendent.
As in: "The lights of Las Vegas shone refulgently on the tanned, eager faces of the girls, as they strutted the Strip in their high heels and tight black pants. No man was immune to their charms. They knew it...and they worked it."
Also: "After spending the weekend away in a paradise of hedonism and self-involvement, she had the refulgent idea that although she couldn't always live her life on eleven, she would take the juicy goodness, the empowerment, the smiles and laughter, and use it all to fuel a new chapter in her story. The one where she finally gets the guy."
06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 8, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS:
(The extended version) Viva Las Divas!
Like a headless chick
I run ragged, can't relax
Welcome to Vacay
Travel 'round the world
Before ever leaving home
The road calls to me
Fireworks are fun
But after a four-hour drive
The stakes have been raised
Yard-long margs and sun
Even my brain gets tan as
my head and heart pounds
Vanil tea and sauce
Not as saucy as us girls
Smoking the dance floor
Recurring rhythms
Feel the flow in cards, drinks, boys
Alive and on fire
I fly in a strange
Boy's arms, and though he can't kiss
well...I can teach him
Pornos, room service...
Who the hell am I? Rock Star?
Apparently, yes
I flirt, nibble on
Identity play, but I
Can't eat here each day
Long drive home, talk of
Boys in heat. I lost them but
Won a best girlfriend
10:45 a.m.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Well...
Well, well, well!
10:00 a.m.
Monday, July 8, 2002
Are you still out there? Hope everything's allright...
09:00 a.m.
Wednesday, July 3, 2002
These days, I can't even really talk to the Universe. I just don't know what to say.
We all know that for me to be at a loss for words...something is definitely wrong.
08:45 a.m.
Wednesday, July 3, 2002
I may just be sitting here slovenly and biding my sweet, slow time, as I go about my not-so-mundane business...but I'm smiling. :)
07:45 p.m.
Tuesday, July 2, 2002
When you know for sure, anxiety falls away. But so does the excitement of not knowing.
Is it possible to be safe and scared simultaneously?
That's where I want to be.
08:15 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
All comes at the proper time to him who knows how to wait.
- Saint Vincent de Paul
06:45 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
It's articles like this... that remind me of why I want to be a writer.
03:15 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
actu·al·i·zation (--l-zshn) n. The act of realizing into action or making something real.
What does it mean to be an actively creative person? For starters, it’s waking up at the crack of ass, just to welcome the day. You must use every waking moment that isn't tied to putting food on your table (and perhaps some that are...ahem) to fuel your fires, light your smile and shine others on the way to their own paths, especially if you get to be creative in doing so.
Sometimes it helps to have a partner in crime, someone who can inspire you and learn to be the most intune soul they can be by your side. Teaching each other to actualize potential and create a commitment to striving for better is the very definition of a mitzvah. It is one of the Universe's most sacred gifts, and should be celebrated with as much expression as possible.
But if you can't see a soul just like your own yet, do not despair. Go through the motions as if you had the energy yourself, and soon enough, the creative world will find you.
You do not have to be frustrated to be creative, as is often conceived. You just have to know that to express yourself and enlighten others in the process is the purpose of your stay on earth. Somewhere, in a parallel dimension, you exist in the perfect image of yourself, fulfilling your duties with panache and verve. You just have to actualize this eventuality. After all, how can you let down the Universe?
12:45 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
It's been such a long time, but I think that I'm falling in love with performing again.
I don't know if this is necessarily a good thing, but I'm not going to question it. I'm just going to sit back, play my heart out and have fun.
Famous last words.
12:30 p.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS:
Falling Into Tune
Like an opera
This is my last aria
Promote or kill me
From off-stage, I hear
Harmonies from heaven, but
I've got bad stage fright
My girlfriends are fun
But when they chorus "Don't call..."
I should pay grave heed
Such bizarre bliss, like
Something from a Musical...
Eyes flash across stage
Voices like angels
Kindred spirits soar in song
Won't you fly with me?
11:45 a.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.
- Erica Jong
09:30 a.m.
Monday, July 1, 2002
Today's Virgo Horoscope
June 27, 2002
The current celestial configuration is shouting for you to go a little further to the edge than you ever have gone before. The worst that could happen is that new doors will open, odd strangers will become the best of friends and you'll open up sides of your personality that you never knew existed. The best that could happen is that you could finally get what you've been working for. See that road that takes you through the darkest part of the woods? It's actually a short cut.
Well...Halle-freakin'-lujah!
07:30 p.m.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
As the sun sets and darkness falls...sometimes, you can see a little light leak through. Some think that this is a flash of magical green. Others see every color of the rainbow. Whatever color it may radiate, it is a reminder that even greater rays will surely shine when morning comes.
08:00 p.m.
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
We grow old as soon as we cease to love and trust.
- Madame de Choiseul
If that's the case, then I must have aged ten years in the past week.
07:30 p.m.
Tuesday, June 25, 2002
Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius.
- Comte de Buffon
03:15 p.m.
Monday, June 24, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS:
5-7-5...If I can sing, I'm still alive
After death comes life
But dumped by two guys at once...
Makes the music die
Sorrows drowned with friends
Nothing takes love's place...except
Well...Karaoke!
Finished all my hours
Should be singing, but instead
I pine for lost love
Eighties party...I
Dressed like Madonna but can't
Justify my love
But post BBQ
Met a boy who harmonized...
My heart can still sing
03:00 p.m.
Monday, June 24, 2002
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
11:45 a.m.
Friday, June 21, 2002
I have been blessed.
I have been given the amazing gift of being able to help others find the words.
Why can't I seem to bring that blessing home and find them myself?
11:30 a.m.
Friday, June 21, 2002
Every exit is an entry somewhere else.
- Tom Stoppard
09:30 a.m.
Thursday, June 20, 2002
Do you ever have one of those days?
I've been having one of those weeks.
I'm a lean, mean, problem-solving machine. Most of the time. But not now.
For all intents and purposes, this is a not-so-silent plea for help.
I have never and will never admit to being powerless, but boy does this come painfully close. Whether it's work itself, colleagues, friends, family, suitors, homestead, machinery, fashion, piece of mind, plan of attack, heart's desire...it's all falling down.
I know this is only temporary. I know this will make me stronger. I know. I know...
But solace just doesn't ever come soon enough.
Sure, I can comfort the world...but who will do the same for me?
Somebody, anybody please help me see the humor in this.
"You rang...?"
*sigh*
8:00 p.m.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
-e.e. cummings
09:45 a.m.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
She who laughs last, lasts.
Or so they tell me...
07:30 p.m.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
I am officially addicted.
This is the bane of my existence.
Don't even get me started on the one with lemon...
02:15 p.m.
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
Wanna hear something frighteningly accurate?
"You have a sensible and realistic outlook on life and your
two feet are always planted firmly on the ground (though you
may, on occasion, have your head in the clouds). Others often see you as a rock of strength, solid, reliable, dependable, and constant. Though you have a gentle, even soft, appearance, you are enormously strong-willed and stubborn. You can be coaxed and persuaded by charm, beauty, love, or affection - but never forced. You won't fight either, but simply stubbornly resist any attempt to coerce you to do something you do not want to do.
You appear calm, unruffled, and nonemotional most of the time, but behind your easygoing and peaceable appearance there lies great strength. When it comes to a contest of wills, you often win simply due to your relentless persistence, your ability to outlast just about anyone.
You have a keen appreciation of the natural world and get
much happiness from simple creature comforts and the physical world, with all of its myriad delights. You are quite sensual in a very natural, wholesome way and you know how to enjoy yourself.
You have a sharp analytical mind, a keen eye for detail, and you prefer to observe, dissect, and study life from a distance. Conscientious and conservative, you can be relied upon to be careful, efficient, and thorough in your work and you take pride in doing a job well. Whether in your environment or in yourself, you tend to focus on the flaws, with a desire to improve, refine, and perfect. You are strictly factual, truthful, and scrupulously honest in your self-estimation, and you often do not give yourself enough praise or credit.
You analyze before you act. You are too serious sometimes. Allowing yourself to play and to make mistakes would be HEALTHY for you!"
From Here. Go there...if you dare!
08:00 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
After all, if something seems too-good-to-be-true, it usually is.
Famous last words.
07:45 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
Close your eyes...
Take a deep, calming breath...
Place one foot in front of the other...
...and just GO!
03:15 p.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS:
No Rest for the Weary
Flirt with disaster
I know better but it's fun
Sleep twelve hours instead
Just eight hours left
I'm so close but yet so far
Restitution, ho!
I'm such a good friend
I wonder when it's my turn
Then I feel guilty
How dare I assume
I deserve this? No love... I
Cry myself to sleep
"How was the weekend?
Did you have fun and party?"
"No." "Oh. Wow... Who died?"
10:45 a.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
Our strength is often composed of the weakness that we're damned if we are going to show.
- Mignon McLaughlin
10:15 a.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
Word of the Day for Monday June 17, 2002:
PERSPICACITY
(pur-spuh-KAS-uh-tee, noun:)
Clearness of understanding or insight; penetration, discernment.
If only life were a little more like Sesame Street. Then the Word of the Day would have a direct bearing on that day's "episode." I could count on some enlightenment then for certain.
Today's show is brought to you by "Perspicacity," "True Love," "Invigorating Relaxation," "Healing Energy," "Earth-shaking Lovemaking," "Dissolution of Fear," "Ultimate Sustenance" and "Rollicking Laughter."
Oh...and the letters "U" and "I."
09:45 a.m.
Monday, June 17, 2002
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
- Edith Wharton
04:30 p.m.
Sunday, June 16, 2002
"Universe?"
"Yes."
"I'm hanging in there..."
"We know. You're doing the right thing."
"I know. But it's still good to hear that sometimes."
"That's why we're telling you."
"I'm glad that I was listening...and that I heard."
04:15 p.m.
Sunday, June 16, 2002
A single sunbeam is enough to drive away many shadows.
- St. Francis of Assisi
08:45 a.m.
Friday, June 14, 2002
"Please. Please."
"We know. Yes. Shh. Don't Worry. It's okay."
"Are you sure? It doesn't feel okay..."
"But it will be. We promise. Our word is as good as..."
"Gold. I know. I believe. I. I believe anything you tell me."
"We know. That's why we are with you. And them. And her... Always."
"Okay. Okay."
"It's okay."
07:45 p.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
If I haven't said it lately, or frequently, or ever, or yet...
I do.
With all my heart.
05:45 p.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
When you see things in black and white, it makes them true.
But when you see things on the faces of people you love, it makes them real.
I can't believe how hollow I feel inside. I'm a sad shell of the person I felt I was just this morning. The thoughts that seemed so profound earlier are now just petty and inconsequential.
How dare I entertain thoughts of protecting myself from potential heartbreak when one of this scale is at hand. I'm ashamed.
We are so very blessed to be touched by people in the way that we are. I'm trying so hard to cherish it. I can't believe how many people I have told that I love them this afternoon. I can't believe how many people have told me.
I can't believe all that is still left unsaid.
I'm trying to tell you here.
05:15 p.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Just call it "Eau How I'm Smiling..."
I don't know if it's just me, but it seems like every time you start to become sure of yourself or not care about the outcome of your chance at happiness, they come back out of the woodwork. Like a vulture to the kill, like a pimp to the p****, like a bee to honey, the scent is innately and intuitively felt. From the past, from the present, to the future and everywhere in between, it's as if they know just when I'll care the least about their query. Call it nice to have the attention, call it comeuppance, call it ironic, call it tragi-comic, you can hypothesize all you want; you'll be proven right every time.
Normally, I'd do one of two things. I'd either relish the attention for the value of protection, or I'd schluff it off while pining away. This time though, there is a strange balance at hand. Perhaps it's just folly on my part, but I'd rather sit back, smile and enjoy the show, than fall prey to my emotions or especially anyone else's.
Not only am I having too much damn fun...I smell terrific!
10:30 a.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
Okay, okay...
So I'm a little bit scared.
...
But I like it!
09:00 a.m.
Thursday, June 13, 2002
When you follow your bliss, doors will open where you would not have thought there would be doors; and where there wouldn't be a door for anyone else.
- Joseph Campbell
06:15 p.m.
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Many people hear voices when no one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.
-Margaret Chittenden
09:00 a.m.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
"Be careful what you wish for..."
"I know, Universe, I know."
08:45 a.m.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
WEEKEND UPDATE
Questions:
How do I hold onto this tenuous, impeccable balance?
How can I be rewarded with a second chance, after I dare treat an angel with disdain?
How can I ever thank you?
Answers:
I'm so grateful for this, as with all life lessons.
Oh my God, I am having so much fun that it should be illegal. Actually, scratch that. I would definitely violate probation if that were the case. Um, I mean...uh...
It looks like I haven't lost the will after all. Thank God.
6:00 p.m.
Monday, June 10, 2002
MONDAY MORNING HAIKUS
and other Life Lessons
Jury Duty Calls
I wait, ponder and explore
Almost a day off!
Barney's Beanery
Lakers and my crazy friends
That's all a girl needs
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